happy late bday to me

yaay junsus soccer team won on my bday! that makes me extremely happy! and he looks so good! <3

then i had this whole lsm rant but i wrote it on kpopsecrets.tumblr.com so its lost somewhere there...

then yeah

well basically a rant about my life would be:

im in a club at school that im supposed to get a job for but i cant get a job and im all depressed

but at the back of my head i know im not trying that hard because really all i want to do with my time is dbsk waste it

...*sigh* my driving sucks too

so basically i hate my life and yeah

dbsk help me get my mind off it and relieves my stress and fills my heart

but gooooooosh

i dont wannnaaaaaaa liiiiiive liiiiiife

i wannaaa stay on the computer and dbsk hunt/stalk

i wannaa go to dbsk concerts and scream for them

i wanna sleep and have fun like a kid does

i dont wanna grow up

isnt it too harsh?

if the point to living is to be happy

cant we live our lives the way we want to?

i know that wont work its just my selfishness talking...


when we die we r just a spec in time arent we?

*sigh*

i wonder sometimes

why is it that i even live on?

i think the reason every1 lives is because of selfishness.

if you live dont you take up food and take up energy and supplies and space?

but its out of your own selfishness that you keep living on

your own selfishness

so something you could do as a favor to the whole universe is to kill yourself rly...

but yeah im to selfish to do that and so is the rest of the living world

anyways what i also thought about was

would i take a pill that would intantly and painlessly kill me?

really i had to think about it

sometimes i think i would

if you really think about it none of this stuff matters or even MEANS anything

nothing does


the only thing keeping me alive really is knowing that there are ppl like dbsk that im waiting to meet

also that there are people out there with the courage and selfishness to live on


but really every1 is living for themselves arent they?

well thats what i feel

except for when dbsk come in

thats whats weird

i think if i hadnt become a Cassiopeia maybe i really WOULD have turned out to be one of those ppl who just up and out of the blue killes themself?

just because i felt like it

because i see i rly am insignificant and i rly DONT matter

okay

nothing you or anyone else says will change this because its a fact

i dont want to hear 'you are a big part of this and that' 'you are so important' etc.  in reality im not

your not

no one is

you and i are just specs in this spec of a planet and it wouldnt matter


so whats keeping me alive again?

well if you do want to know its my selfishness because i realize i AM selfish

i WILL eat the food in my fridge without a second thought to the hobo outside or the starving kids in africa

i WILL sleep in my warm blanket even though i know there are people freezing out there on the streets

i WILL take up space in this over populated world

and i realize

'hey ive been given this life in america where things are alot better than other places.  ive been blessed with this spec of a life.  even though im suffering its great isnt it? wonderful even.  might as well live what ive got.  it makes no difference to the universe if i kill myself today or die after 100 years.  it would be boring if i died like a saint selfless coward.  i would rather live a fun and sinful life.

thats what i think anyways

atleast right now.

usually i think the opposite way but
...

life really gets you down sometimes doesnt it?

all i can do is darkly snicker and say 'i can live'