Friday, October 25, 2013

mostly TVXQ (Homin) ponderings...

I guess this is where i will continue putting my fears about dbsk
maybe there will be a reunion i really hope so
but JJ and Su are going to the army soon so... even if they do... and then Yun will follow very close behind them 
then who knows about Chun and Min
...
anyways what i really want to say is that im scared about Yunho and Changmin
i hate that rumor that 2 people dont get along so there will be a break up and that people think these 2 people are Min and Yun
but then again i think about Beijing and dude Changmin wasnt seen with Yun going back to Korea and i was speculating a lot
why arent you two together? did Changmin stay behind and go to the hospital? if so Yunho should have stayed too. did Min have a different flight? why? that doesnt make much sense. and then if Changmin took a secret route away from fans then why didnt Yun go with him that way instead of with the Suju boys? 
then they arrived back in Korea and Yunho was with Changmin again and i was like oh, see its all good... its all good... hmmm kinda doesnt make much sense. Suju werent there either. did Yun wait for Changmin? idk what is happening here then... they both seemed to be walking fine though. they both didnt seem to be injured so i was completely happy about that.
then we hear that Yun may be cast as a host for a show.
let me tell you. i've always been scared of them just becoming show hosts and then SM just dropping them from the music scene and telling everyone that Homin are focusing on other things.  i mean these 2 are singers.  in their blood they are singers.  but really it is SM that deals with everything they do. i keep thinking about that time there was a hidden camera in the backstage of a show and DB5K were talking and some people just came up to them and were like 'one of you have to become a permanent host on this show' and all of them looked at each other and were like 'not me. no. you do it. not me'. NONE of them wanted to do it but they knew that someone had to. someone had to be forced to do it. that is why i worry. are they doing what they want to do? is this what they want? IDK Homin really... 
I worry less about Changmin because he always goes with the flow. really with the other 4 they all had these more outgoing more specific goals and images of themselves in the future and they worked out of their way to make sure everything happens the way they wanted it to. Changmin though, he always goes with the flow, he have the opportunity to be a singer? then he works hard at that. he has the opportunity to do this or that? he will work hard at whatever is given to him. but its not like one day he wants to reach this or that. he just goes with it.
the other 4 are different. they have these goals of what they want. they will accomplish them no matter what it takes. 
back to Yunho.
IDK how he is now. once he laughed and said he forgot what his personality actually is. that is really something. Jung has always been told ever since he debuted 'you've changed' and that is what sticks to Yunhos mind about his personality the most.  
so his dreams... when he was 17 he had such a list of things... idk if those are what he wants now or what? it seems like all his energy is pooled into being leader of TVXQ and nothing else and he seems so exhausted and his eyes i dont even know how to describe them. its like they've seen so much and been through so much.  sometimes when he smiles i feel like crying because of his eyes.
does Yunho want to be a show host?  maybe the answer is different now. maybe he DOES want to? anyways for one reason or another news comes out Yunho will not be a host.
i wonder. why? did they just decide not to have the show. have another person be host?  did SM want him to be host or not? did he turn down being a host?
recently too its always spotting Yunho at the SM building and hes by himself. these stalkers only ever see Yunho by himself. :/ going around places by himself. we dont really even know what hes doing.  the last few days what the heck was he doing? was he just relaxing? IDK it just feels weird. 
Changmin as Changmin is, seems content to be a host. maybe hes having fun for real.  i think he is. although his original show was a book club and not a sports show i think he likes it quite a bit and thats great.
but i cant help but think that Changmin wanted a book club first so that he wouldnt have to do the silly things sports shows do sometimes.  Changmin is my smart boy, he would love to sit around talking about books. too bad it wasnt a popular thing. again though, even though Changmin seemed a little pushed into doing the sports show instead he seems to really be enjoying it. im glad hes making more friends and smiling so often.
but, and i hate myself for thinking these thoughts, what about Yunho.
I know they've known each other longer than 10 years but what about Yunho?
Changmin wanted to move away from Yunho.  Changmin is doing all these solo activities.  
and Yunho... where are his activities?
then i think again. Yunho has had his own solo activities too while Changmin wasnt doing anything. but this feels different somehow.  IDK but its like Yunho is either refusing to be a host or SM is refusing to let him do some work. either way its not good.
and then there are the rumors that Changmin renewed his contract and Yunho didnt.  
at first i wanted to scream at all of the people saying these things.  'How dare you say that?! Homin would never! Why would they negotiate separately?!  Why would Changmin do that to Yunho?!'
then truthfully i think about it and...
i want to cry because i think Changmin IS capable of doing that.  With DB5K they all have thick skulls.  They all do what they think is RIGHT and they hardly ever back down. i love them for it and wouldnt want them any other way but then again its one of the reasons they had to split. 
If Changmin did do that I would be so ANGRY and SAD and i would still love him because I know he just did what he thought was best.
but...
Yunho.... I hate when I see him alone.  its so scary to see Yunho alone.  without his members.  without Changmin.  Just thinking about it i want to cry.  He's so solitary.  He looks so strong with his stance and yet his eyes and actions are gentle and almost scared but also wise and knowing somehow.  IDK how to describe it.
with Jaejoong his shoulders shrink he looks down and has a certain smile and laugh and poise when hes alone that makes me think that only with his members can he be truly outgoing.
with Jung its the same type of thing just that instead of shrinking in he grows so proper and professional.
they act as if they're scared of other peoples judgments and they cannot act as their normal selves.
When Yunho was the last off stage in Beijing and was bowing.  He looked so alone up there. so sentimental.  his bowing wasnt showing off, it wasnt because he wanted to be seen and talked about, it was sincere and i felt the sadness and fear. i fear he fears that hes disappearing and its scary.  
hes lived for the group for the fans for so long... has he forgotten his selfish ambitions?  what do you want Jung Yunho? what do you want for yourself? i wish that you would do what you want.  
its strange. its strange for any of the DB5K members to be idle. especially Yunho.  When they dont do anything they think too much and depression creeps up on them and thats scary.
I want him to find what he wants and be happy.  Find it Yunho, please.
I dont want to believe the bad rumors, but i cannot say that its not true.  when DB5K had the lawsuit everyone was in denial at first.
it started with the moving out, then the separate at airports then the rumors also. which is why im so scared but all i can do is tell myself no matter what that they all love each other and that all 5 of them will have all of Cassiopeia to help them through whatever happens in the future.

Monday, July 15, 2013

shitshithssdfhakshitshit

I feel like SHIT
oh my god what
what WHAT WHAT WHATWHATHWHATWHAT
I CANT

i dont even know anymore

nothing is going right

but what sucks more is that i know that its partially my fault and that i need to freaking buckle down

i think i want to just run away or sleep forever

:(

gaww

Monday, July 1, 2013

God i feel numb

i dont know if its because today im in too good of a mood that i cant be sad
or that i have successfully disconnected myself from feeling hurt
my mom was yelling at me

of course i know i have a problem
i cant take real life stuff seriously at all
i just can't
cant
cant!!!!

why cant i get my licence
dear god
i know
i KNOW
something is wrong with me
I KNOW

i just wish...
I DONT KNOW

i know im spoiled
i know that im not a kid anymore
i know
i know

i dont know whats wrong with me
i dont know how to fix me

i hate lots of things
im scared of lots of things


you know i always look okay
always
even when im sick
or when im sad
i always look okay
i can smile and laugh and shit like that

but
when i actually say somethings wrong
its bad enough that i need to tell someone
i dont need a freaking answer like

i cant believe you
or
it doesnt look that bad
or anything like that

all i need is some understanding
why cant you understand me?

im scared as hell
im not like THEM
you raised me like this
im dependent on you
you MADE me dependent on you
you just cant expect me to suddenly know what to do

i need help
you know im more naive and lost than most people
cant you understand me?

understand me please

and all the while i run away from my problems

you tell me that i spend too much time on my computer
its my escape
i cant stop biting my nails or shaking my leg
i get too nervous
im so nervous

can't you understand that im scared?
i use the computer as an escape
its my escape

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Joongie-oppa, breakdown of radio interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=V8W4Pg7Bcp8

Joongie seems... idk a little little bit down
i dont think hes really down exactly more like the pervading feeling of loneliness...

he morning tweeted for the first time in a long time
i think he must be a bit nervous haha
hes such a little sweetheart to be nervous
i mean korea and japan... there's no need to be nervous but he seemed very nervous for the korean one and now hes nervous for the japanese one

maybe its just the feeling he has showing himself to those most familiar to him
maybe thats a bit scary

how silly
we love you no matter what Jae

silly man

he pointed out in the interview that he has more friends in Japan than in Korea which makes me think that its not that he's alone in Japan maybe its the feeling that hes not alone in Japan and more alone in his own country and the thought of this makes him sad and feel that loneliness

also the rain he mentioned again
it must have its affects on him too
as if hes remembering that hes the rain man
maybe hes remembering a memory of that rain

but the way his voice was
i got the thought that 'ah hes a bit in that mood.  he's not brimming with excitement and joy but he feels... melancholy and a bit self conscious... a little out of it too

what a silly man

i think he wants to make it a point that his tour is very personable and real
its all about him exposing himself and sharing himself with us so yeah...
when he said that he'll say 'i love you' if he felt like it he wanted to emphasize that anything can happen and that he'll just do what he feels is right to do
but he said he'll say it anyways haha

what a sweetheart
i really...
don't feel lonely Jae
don't think about the numbers of people that you lost
 just think about the ones you have okay?
they care about you a lot and so do all of us

no matter what we care about you
i scare myself because i know i like it
i dont like that he loses sleep or eats less

but when he gets on that stage he looks frail as glass
as if hes glass and hes setting himself out there for us and hoping we dont break him
he becomes a little afraid and you can see it in his eyes and his face and his stance
and you just want to reach out and be so gentle with him

i really dont know

the strong Jae sometimes... he makes me proud
the frail Jae sometimes... he makes me hold on to him so tightly
dont make that face, dont show eyes like that
we love you so much baby
dont hurt please
i get that feeling

--
that talk about his love also...
hes like he 'was in love'
love is such a strong word for Jaejoong to use
he always said he went out with a girl or he had a girlfriend but this is different

its like he's admitting 'i was in love', probably with the person he saw and had that big first impression (he stumbled so hard on that, there was, there is, i had one... my heart just broke when he became like that) and then he said his heart was broken before

and i see that he probably really is talking about just one person

and then i think the rain must remind him of his loneliness and his loss and his friends in Japan remind him of his loneliness also and his nerves about the concert must have him... and practicing those beautiful and sad songs...

it feels like he's trying to convince himself that hes moved on from the person he fell in love with but... i dont think he has

he seems kind of sad and... so lonely...

i don't want to think these things but Jae... do your best... get some sleep baby... we love you so much

(since im a yunjae fan i think its yunho but there is definitely a person in jaes heart already and i feel like its so hard for him to let go of that person even though that person he loves... it seems to be that in his perspective that person doesnt love him back so he has to move on... if its yunho i feel so sad that its like this... if its not yunho i still feel sad and that i hope and pray jae can find another person to fill his heart because he has so much love to give but he needs that one person, a special person, to give love to him.  I hope he'll have a happy ending, and i know there are no endings really in real life, its just... i dont want him to suffer, i want him to find happiness)

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

encouragement


http://yaoijaesuschrist.tumblr.com/post/52922104344/when-i-say-i-get-encouragement-from-them-its-the

When I say i get encouragement from them it’s the truth
They make Jaejoong being adopted sound so bad but really he was adopted into a nice family and was happy there
the real hardships started when he started going to school and being the youngest child with 8 older sisters wore his sister hand-me-downs until he was in middle school.  He was teased a lot during that time, his sister around his age used to beat people up for messing with Jaejoong.  He was told he couldn’t sing well, his family didn’t approve so he only practiced at the computer lab in a room.  He ran away from home and biked all the way to Seoul.  Worked endlessly, trained and trained until he finally became who he is today :)
but it’s not only Jaejoong (although his sad past is mentioned more than others)
Yunho ran away from home too! But Jaejoong never had to sleep under a bridge like Yunho did and Jaejoong never had to pick up coins on the floor or under couches like Yunho did (although Jae did give blood to pay for a piece of food for himself once)
Yunho and Jae make me feel like I can go against the grain, work hard, and just keep at it no matter what
Yoochun flew all the way from America, left his family… most precious was his younger brother. Yoochun was only 16 or 17, he knew no one and he missed his brother terribly
Yoochun makes me feel like I can keep going on while loving and missing people who are not with me now, having the courage to go on without people you feel you need is really hard
Junsu was trained for a very very long time and was told by doctors not to pursue singing yet he sang everyday and practiced every day without fail
Junsu makes me feel as if positive thinking actually does work and that I can get through life without having to become someone too down to earth but still be myself and act a little childish and innocent
Changmin is the only one who doesn’t really have a sad past haha
Changmin though, he has to grow up so fast.  His personality keeps changing as if when he debuted he was like an old man and now he actually is having fun and not being so serious
Changmin makes me think maybe it’s okay to reevaluate what i think is important and try to change myself so I can live a better and happier life
I haven’t even talked about how they encourage me as a group! Let me just shorten that part to ‘they make me a better person’
DBSK is a healer for me
When i’m having a hard time it’s DBSK that come into my mind and make me think everything will be okay as long as I work hard like them and never let obstacles get in my way

Friday, June 7, 2013

Our Fire

ah...
i'm so proud of all of them
i think i want to cry
it's just that all 5 of them have grown up so much
have become their own person
i mean

i used to cry because they were a unit and afterwards they seemed so broken
and i wished and wished and wished
that they could be together to help each other and complete each other
but

they've grown so so so much...
i know its been YEARS but really...
up until now it's been so hard for them

the tears they shed separately
the pains they felt separately
at those times i prayed for them to be together so they could help each other get through it all

but i'm so stupid
no actually it wasn't stupid but really
i didn't understand
or i didnt WANT to understand
that through going through these pains as individuals instead of a unit
they weren't just hurting
they were growing as people

growing and strengthening themselves
they had depended so much on each other that i feared they would break if they had to deal with everything separately
i feared and feared

i thought things
i still think these things occasionally
the only one able to tell Jaejoong to go to sleep when he is having insomnia is Yunho
the only one able to make Changmin laugh when crap gets hard is Junsu
the one who fixes Yunho's outfits, gets Yunho water, covers his face on a plane, is Jaejoong
those types of thoughts

and they were true for a while
Jaejoong stayed up late into the night fostering some bad habits
Changmin was so angry and depressed
Yunho sometimes seemed so... alone
but slowly

Jaejoong learned to deal with a balance himself without other people having to tell him
Changmin went to therapy and made friends with Suju and SHINee and became brighter
Yunho too has become better
and these are just some examples i mean
i worried about all of them

Yoochun and Junsu too...

i was so worried they would break without the others support

because as young men they had each other to lean on
and now they were standing by themselves and i was scared they would get hurt
and i cried and wanted to protect them

i constantly watched their pains and suffering
those tears and those words written in their eyes

but i also watched as they grew and changed
and at first i didn't like it
don't change
don't change
don't change

selfish
i'm so selfish
i wanted them to remain as they were
i wanted them to be dependent on each other always
i wanted them to need each other
i wanted them to be together
selfish feelings

and i knew they were selfish but i wanted and wanted

they always give their all to us, their fans
they always give to us
we are so spoiled
i think
because we want it they will surely do it just for us
because we are their fans
because it shows that they love us and love each other

selfish

they always sacrifice for us
and we can't understand when they do something selfish for themselves?
what kind of fan am i?
to be sad
to be angry
because they wouldn't give in and be together...
because they were for once being a little selfish....
and the whole while of being selfish
being apart
it was like they were constantly saying

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
that i did something selfish

constantly apologizing
pain in their eyes as they tried to show us how much they love us
pain in their hearts because we were/are so upset with them

i as a fan was/am so selfish
because the feelings of
'i want you together'
remains branded on my heart
but it's also a strange feeling
now this feeling doesn't include
'i want to return to the past'
because that thought
that thought
would mean i don't appreciate how hard they've worked separately

how they constantly showed their love for us
how they constantly battled everything

EVERYTHING
for us
for us
for us
for us
for us
EVERYTHING

i loved the them of the past
i love the them of now equally if not more

they've grown
and i'll be damned if i don't open my eyes and see that and appreciate that

i see now
as a unit they were a strong relentless fire

and the feared separation...

i knew in my heart the 5 fires could sustain separately but i wanted the warmth of the 1 large fire that kept me safe and warm

but by separation the fires were able to be fostered and grown individually
and the warmth i feel from all of them separately
has grown so tremendously

at first there could only be a large fire in the living room
and now the whole house can be warm

and i feel a bit stupid for not understanding how we needed 5 separate fires

and although i remember standing in the living room near the fire
eyes dancing with the light
the feeling of comfort
warmth enveloping me

i cannot deny that we needed a warm house

that this fire obviously should and could not be contained but needed to expand

and it's not even like they're really separated
because they warm the same people in the same house they always have
and now can warm even more people

anyways

the 5 of them
seem so happy
so happy
free
free
free
free
free
boundless

i want to repeat again
the feeling of
'i want to see them together'
remains
but
'i want to return to the past'
does not

it's more like

the large warm fire that warmed the fireplace everyone knew was the biggest warmest fire ever
then separately the warmth spread and it was not as warm at first
the people in the house (Cassiopeia btw) were scared of that
but it kindled well separately
and everyone (even those not within the house) knew that the house was the warmest even though there were separate fires

but the people in the house
although warmer than all the other houses
longed for the burn of their first fire

they know it's selfish
they revel in the warmth they have now and understand it
but the scorch is like an addiction and they wish they could have a taste of it again

i believe one day...
this may sound a bit stupid
but
i want the fire to one day collect
and it will burn again as one fire
so strong this time that it burns down the whole house
and as the residence of the house stare at the fire
not with horror but amazement and pride
because this fire is so large that it just can't be contained
and so many more can gather around this giant flame
and feel the scorching addiction of this burn
and the unimaginable warmth it brings

one day it will happen

but the point is

no longer will i say
'i want to go to the past'

i want to say that i treasure the present
and that i look forward to the future

we have the warmest house
but the scorching burn...
the aching addiction
when we feel it again
it will be bigger than ever

we must treasure this warm house though and not think about going to the past
because we need to warm the whole house
before we can have that gigantic legendary fire that will burn so bright not even the farthest coldest edges of the earth would deny the warmth they feel from our fire

i guess i'll end this rant with
AKTF

always cherish the past
always appreciate the present
always look towards the future
never give up Cassiopeia
i know i won't

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Changmin does take care of Yunho (even though i dont ship obviously they are closer than blood)


homin’s moments and relationship from a japanese staff’s point of view
this is from a Japanese fan’s Twitter text-photo-post that a Chinese fan has translated; in to English by me.  Not exactly unusual account from a staff to a friend, take with a grain of salt, but most things seems reasonably believable /and oh so very precious;;/   
K-kun also said, when Changmin looks at Yunho, it’s such a gentle gaze.”
image
The fan’s words:
“Even though I have some worries, but I still want to write about some moments that made me truly believe in their bond.
Because this is told from a friend, this could be said to be written from my own feelings, I don’t know if this will bring trouble to my friends, I’m a bit cowardly and a little afraid.
(I obtained permission from my friend to write this. If this ever make any problems, I will make this a private note) *t/n this post was made on her blog and then spread through twitter via long text post picture
Anyways, I will try my best to write in a way that won’t trouble my friend.
My friend, K-kun, from sometime ago, has had chance of numerous encounters with Yunho and Changmin.
But K-kun’s knowledge of Tohoshinki is only limited to knowing who is who. He doesn’t know that the two are very close. And he doesn’t know I have a fujoshi side www
K-kun said, I wonder what kind of relationship those two have.
After hearing this I was a bit confused, I thought, “Eh? Is their relationship exposed.”
But then after talking to K-kun about this for some time, I understood that he did not mean it in any shipping ways at all.
K-kun told me these moments between the two.
They don’t talk very often, but they always sit together. When someone they don’t know very well, like K-kun, give a drink to Yunho, Yunho wouldn’t drink it just then. And then at this time, Changmin would very naturally out of instinct take the drink, pour it in a cup, or open the cap and give it to Yunho, and then Yunho drinks it.
Sometimes water drips from the cup; Changmin would clean it immediately.
Sometimes Yunho would be coughing; Changmin would pat his back and give him some water.
Sometimes after sitting so long and suddenly getting up Yunho would feel a bit dizzy; Changmin would hold out his hand and help Yunho immediately.
Even as they leave the room, Changmin’s hand was still holding Yunho’s back.
And in contrast, when Changmin doesn’t feel well, Yunho would concernedly ask about him.
Because it was in Korean, K-kun doesn’t understand, but he can feel the caring in Yunho’s voice.
Sometimes Yunho would shut his eyes and rest, and Changmin gets out of the room for something. Yunho open his eyes and sees that Changmin is not there, and seems a little lost and uneasy, looking around to find him. When Changmin comes back, he would relax and have a relieved expression.
Like when a lost child has found his mother, that kind of expression. *t/n: i laughed yunho you’re two years older???????
And Changmin after coming back would give him a gentle smile as while.
Sometimes Changmin would rest with his eyes closed, or sit around doing other things, for example playing games, and if Yunho by his side needed anything, Changmin would immediately respond.
At the beginning when K-kun saw Changmin like this, he found it quite strange, he thought, why didn’t the staff do these things. Doesn’t Changmin get tired. Why doesn’t Changmin ever complain. But as he saw them more often, K-kun gradually thought, if that was the way they always get along, and then suddenly the staff do these things, they would probably feel more uneasy.
K-kun also said, the two, even towards someone new like K-kun, always treated him seriously. Even though they are such popular celebrities, they are always very polite, and humble as well. WHen leaving, Yunho even shook his hand and said thank you to K-kun.
K-kun also said, when Changmin looks at Yunho, it’s such a gentle gaze, like the Virgin Mary (t/n: i laughed translating this but this is a pretty common expression in Asia as to express kindness and all accepting and fondness kind of thing; it sounds weird in translation but it’s a common phrase js) He thinks that the relationship they have is very special. No matter how many people are in the room, they will have space for the two of them alone. A combination like this, he has never seen before.
And K-kn said he could feel it, for Yunho who feels uneasy when Changmin is not here, his trust for Changmin is absolute.
As I heard these words from K-kun, I thought, the two of them has supported each other and worked through those painful times, and now the bond between the two them, must be something more firm and deep than language can describe.
Maybe lots of things happened, and they will have their own love life, this I won’t refute.
But those people not trusting their bond, I cannot approve of.
Their relationship, what holds them together, must be something even more than bond, than trust, or even love.
And so I like them like so. And I think they will never betray their fans.
I think we should just throw away those unpleasant thoughts, and simply protect the two of them happily smiling, and do the best we can to support them. Such is enough. “
---and those were her words :> and I crawl away again I found this today after a day of chemistry and it was heavenly bless/// translating this was bubbly and lovely hope you enjoyed~


______

literally cried after reading thisbeause for a while ive seriously thought about how changmin isnt taking care of yunho and i was all worried ven though i knew i shouldnt bei would get mad at changmin because blond coordi would be around yunho helping him instead of changmin helping hmwhen really it shoul be the staffs jobbut still for my boysthey need each otherthe youngest need the oldestbut i feel like yunho needs changmin so muchso much morejust like jae needs yoosu so so much sometimes...im so glad i read thismy worries are relievedbut it somehow hurts more knowing they are like this... ;_;

Saturday, April 13, 2013

JYJ's Tokyo Dome was just brilliant

do you know how brilliant JYJ are?

they were/are always the very emotional ones but they are brilliant.

having Tokyo Dome Live 1st before starting their tour was brilliant.

1- they got to quickly meet all their fans like they promised as they wanted
2- they got to show all those big-shot companies that tried to bribe them with contracts and millions of yen that they can make billions within 3 days
3- they got to show the company that they signed with that they are the real deal
4- they did Tokyo Dome before they started with the new company so people know that this is JYJ's power alone harboring all of this attention
5- they were able to have one last big blow out with their Japanese staff that helped them and stuck by them through and through

they are just so brilliant

its like when you say you hit 2 birds with one stone
they got all 5 of these things accomplished within just 3 days

just such an amazingly smart move

its so funny because SM always acted like the boys don't know what they're doing when they are so god damn smart

SM is always copying JYJ now-a-days too such losers

Friday, March 22, 2013

Stronger Than They Appear

so much god damn injustice.
so much god damn injustice!
its just NOT RIGHT...
when JYJ left they knew this would happen to them but still...
it's been 3 god damn years!
how dare you...
HOW DARE YOU!

i can't even wrap my head around this

i became a fan in 2009 so i was there right when it broke

i was there when all the god damn precious pieces were falling all over the fucking floor
Cassiopeia wants to pick up the pieces
but its so untouchable
and it rots and withers away because no one is there to nourish it

i don't even know what i'm talking about
oh god

it's been 3 god damn years
I AM JYJ bias, okay?
i am
i admit it

i
can't
stand
what
people
do
to
them

the presidential inauguration...
y'know i did get angry
fucking Korean media degrading JYJ and cutting their performance time

what else should i have expected? i thought
of course they would find a way

i had hoped
i had HOPED
that JYJ would have been able to perform like a normal artist for ONCE
ONCE in god damn 3 fucking years
3 GOD DAMN YEARS!

it hurts so much that i had started to think everything was going to be over
that JYJ would finally FINALLY be able to perform like normal

FINALLY

but of course
what was i thinking?
to even put any amount of trust into those god damn show hosts
those god damn camera men
those god damn...
i shouldn't have started to trust them again

it was my fault that i'm so hurt
because i started to trust them again
when i shouldn't have

----

it's just wonderful though
that all these feelings are being brought back now
it's supposed to be a time of happiness and rejoice
in basking in their success
but no
that god damn article
brought back all these dark horrible feelings
it brought them all back to me
because it hurts to re-realize their predicament
it god damn hurts

it made me re-realize why they were so sad for so long
why they write so many sad/angry songs
why they are the true heroes
because in the end
its THEM
THEY are the righteous ones
taking all this CRAP

----

the article made me remember:
that JYJ can't ever show their faces on Music Bank
it made me remember:
Jaejoongs scandal
Yoochuns scandal
it made me remember:
Save Jeju Island
and
Charity Concert in Japan
and
the Buses during Unbelievable Live Tour
it made me remember:
that it was so god damn hard for Junsu to get to perform in his own god damn country when he was promoting his solo album
and then finally they let him perform during a disability charity concert

and they turned the lights off on him and stopped recording

it reminds me:
all of the times the anonymous 'they'
the anonymous 'he'
the anonymous 'friend'
came up and i KNEW they were talking about JYJ
but people couldn't SAY it...

it reminds me:
DBSK were in DEBT to SM when JYJ left

i feel so unbelievably pissed off

and yet i feel god damn proud
and strength
i feel it coursing through my veins
i feel it
i will support JYJ always
no matter how many things they throw at them
no matter what those paid off fucking no good people say about them
no matter what

even if it means that i will feel pain
that people will spit at ME
i will stand by JYJ

they are the real heroes
i am fucking proud of them
SO god damn PROUD
i am so proud to be their fan
i wouldn't trade anything
i will always stand by them

their accomplishments
their achievements
their smiles
their laughter
their success
not only in work but in achieving everything that they want to the way they god damn want to

and

their happiness

it is mine

because they worked hard
because they are honest people
because they don't hurt others
because they TAKE the heat
because they are still humble
because they don't dish back at those bastards that hurt them and blow up even if i think they god damn have every right to

they are amazing

i will ALWAYS stand by them

i will ALWAYS be their fan

because they are better than what has been done to them
because they are better than what has been said about them
because they are better than those people who use underhanded tactics just to make sure that they hurt and that they know that they are being hurt on purpose

they are above all of that

DBSK

JYJ

i like them because of their voices
i like them because of their looks
i like them because they're personalities
i love them because of their hearts

i love that they keep moving
keep pushing through all the tough times
all the rough patches
they don't dwell
they take all that negative energy and they channel it into becoming better

they always strive to become better
they always work their hardest
everyday

THAT is what i love about these boys

THAT is why i'm Cassiopeia
THAT is why i won't ever give up on them

i love them

they are better than all of this

they will rise again

one day

one day

one day

one day

one day


we are waiting

Always Keep The Faith

Friday, March 8, 2013

DB5K are friends and the evidence is with their friends (JYJ and TVXQ)

DB5K are definitely friends

the thing with the Dong Bang boys is that they are so... polite
seriously, have you seen other idols? our boys are basically saints in comparison
which means its harder for them to SHOW their anger, frustrations, etc. with us
not saying that they don't but they are so damn polite
and that's a big reason why i love them but it is a hindrance to our understanding the situation
which is why you have to not only watch the boys closely you must also watch their friends closely
because their friends reveal more than what the boys reveal.

anyways let the analysis begin

when the lawsuit began Yunho and Changmin were on 'break' and JYJ were off on their own

Yoochun bought a house and lived with his family
Junsu lived with his family
Jaejoong lived with (well now we know but we really didnt know back then) Hyunjoong for a while


remember now
Junsu is close friends with Eunhyuk, Leetuk and Sungmin, his Super Junior boys (i wont go into their history, if you want to know how close they are just google it, this is an analysis)

(i must explain though, the Suju boys are a lot freer than DBSK... their concept is that they are all different and do different things, there are many of them so its okay for them to be a little out of line, unlike the DBSK boys...)

anyways at this time Eunhyuk and Leetuk talked a lot about Junsu.  Which was amazing because it was like mentioning any of the JYJ members was like taboo or something. no one would dare to talk about them, but these 2 did. they are THAT close.

(which gave me hope that SM and non SM artist could still be friends, even after all of this lawsuit stuff, friendships outlast all of that)

for Jaejoong i will talk about Hangeng and Hyunjoong

first lets talk about Hyunjoong
Jae stayed at Hyunjoongs for a few months, right? (plus Hyunjoong even went to Canada with Jae that one time, there is no doubt that they are very close friends)
if Hyunjoong was kind enough to let Jae stay with him don't you think they are close enough that Jae would talk to Hyunjoong about his problems?
and Hyunjoong is obviously Jaejoongs friend, he would sympathize with Jae right?

remember when Yunho was on TV promoting their first comeback after the breakup?
the one with Hyunjoong and Yunho
they were very very polite towards each other
i watched as they bowed to each other and shook hands (if i remember they did this right?)
anyways i could tell they were both kind of passive aggressive (at least in my opinion)
Hyunjoong shared an interesting story about Yunho
something along the lines of Yunho being stubborn about paying for the food because Hyunjoong was the dongseng
dont you think it was kind of passive aggressive
its typical if he was with Jae and is on Jae's 'side', or if not side but he agrees with Jae more, that he would say something about Yunho just to tussle him a little?
im not saying Hyunjoong was being malicious or anything
im just saying maybe he wanted to point out to Yunho a flaw of his
anyways it was all in good fun but the whole time i was wondering how Yunho and Hyunjoong felt about each other knowing that Jae left the TVXQ dorm and is staying with Hyunjoong
its like pretending that this big thing that links them isn't there and they just spoke as if they were old friends who didnt see each other too much and nothing interesting was going on at all
even though i was wondering if Yunho ever thought to ask Hyunjoong about Jae afterwards or if they just left the set as if there was nothing to be said to each other
(maybe you should watch it again?)

anyways on to Yunho with Heechul
remember when Junsu wrote that tweet (that every assumes was towards Yunho but who knows)
i remember that Heechul said something very bluntly about 'slave' contracts and how they are not 'slave' contracts, and Shindong also said something too (darn i dont remember and dont want to go look it up)
anyways it was as if they were retorting against accusations against not just themselves but Yunho and Changmin also.

at this point i was a bit confused and riled up.  why announce to the whole world all these problems and fight each other through the public media instead of just meeting up and fixing things?  Maybe it wasn't just towards JYJ, maybe it was also towards the accusing fans (that were and are totally insane)

but the point is we know that Heechul (and Shindong) are in Yunho's camp
Heechul is VERY loyal and i KNOW that Heechul wouldn't allow anyone to hurt or bully Yunho (or Changmin but you know Heechul and Yunho have history, remember when Yunho got poisoned and Heechul wrote that very angry letter?)

anyways that is when i figured, so i guess they are fighting... or at least a little tense
i'm sure that they have different views on this topic (at this point i thought i really didnt like Suju because they always say whatever they want, its so unsightly, but now i appreciate it, at least a little because at least we know exactly where they stand on certain things...)

everyone at this point was also very sensitive

Don't forget about Hangeng, Heechul specifically, missed Hangeng like hell (he still misses him i believe) and it must have crushed Heechul that Hangeng left Super Junior, i'm sure he had some lawsuit/contract anger built up in him even without Yunho and Changmins predicament to set him off

moving forward in time though

i believe that now things are so much better

for one thing Junsu's friend Eunhyuk
they still hang out, still talk, still best friends forever and ever
would Eunhyuk really be so comfortable and happy with Yunho and Changmin when they are collaborating or on a show if Junsu or any of the JYJ boys had bad blood with them?
i think not
smiles and laughs like the ones that Eunhyuk and Leetuk share with the current TVXQ
i dont believe they are fake
i think they ARE friends
which gives me a HUGE amount of faith that Yunho and Changmin are okay with JYJ
I believe that Eunhyuk and Leetuk are very faithful friends to Junsu
no contract or company, nothing, could come between them, they were trainees, kids, together (this goes for Sungmin too)

and don't forget who suddenly took a picture together showing that they were friends
who?
Heechul and Jaejoong of course
SM's two princesses (well 1 former)
anyways if Heechul and Jaejoong are friends things are definitely okay between Jae and Yunho at least because Heechul is Yunho's loyal loyal friend (one thing i'm sure about with Suju is that most of them are extrememly loyal to their friends and very headstrong and determined)

if Yunho and Jae were not on good terms i cannot believe that Heechul would be Jaejoongs friend

and those of you wondering about what i think about Heechul and Hangeng
its obvious that Jae and Hangeng are still friends
they both said something strikingly similar, to the point where i thought, they really must have come up with this conclusion together because there is no other way they could have thought the exact same thing at the same time
Jaejoong revealed something about when JYJ left quite recently, it was that JYJ article where they talked about the lawsuit. he said something along the lines of 'we needed to leave when our popularity was at its peak, so that people would know that we left because of corruption of the company'
Hangeng said the same thing when he was interviewed about leaving SM on a TV show. and if you know anything about Jae and Hangeng, they share each others sentiments, they are very similar in this aspect (i was rather surprised though that they still talked because they don't mention each other, especially in the recent years, but the connection is still there. and this doesn't have much to do with anything but they both have white snakes in their MV's that are 'evil', just saying, and if you think about it pointing out that they are close friends now would just leave people thinking that they conspired together, which sounds sneaky and horrible, which they are not )


but over all the conclusion is this

for now i think DB5K are on good terms

i think the reason we don't see them together is, well for one they all are quite busy, and two it would put too much pressure on them to get back together right away.

think about it

if they have different views on the contract and the way they will go about their next few years then they cant be together

i have accepted that they have different views but many Cassiopeia haven't
think about it
DB5K go to a restaurant
tell me how many people would say 'omg are they getting back together?!'
i know i would be one of those people
but you know
just being together as friends wont get you a contract together to work together
its so much more complicated than 'are they friends or not friends'
them working together is their life choice
it involves business and contracts and so many other complicated things...

if they can't they can't and being seen together would only cause so many more problems than not being seen together
it would save Cassiopeia so much pain if they dont see each other in public
and i know that many would not agree but it is true

but let me reassure you something
i'm sure they are friends
i'm sure they see each other (definitely not in public places but privately so no one knows and it doesn't cause complications)

i'm sure that they are friends
i am absolutely positive
there is no doubt in my mind

for a fan who has been here to watch all of these things occur
and trying to piece together everything

i am so sure so it's okay

they don't hate each other so take a breath :)

maybe someday we will see DB5K again on that stage

but for now isn't it enough to know that they are still friends who love each other?

well, it's not for me but i live well enough knowing that there is that love still there, and that hope is also still there

its the reason i always keep the faith

but lets respect them
they've worked so hard
i will continue to try to be the best i can be for them also

good night!

Yunjae

its been a long time
yunjae...
i dont doubt they love each other
never ever ever
i will never doubt that

they love each other
like LOVE love each other

its just fate
its just the way things are
they are just meant to be

i never believed in fate before yunjae
never did
but yunjae is just so...
right

they are so right

its sad that it hurts
its sad
the situation
everything thats wrong

but them together
THAT
is so right.

im not one of those people who think that everything that yunjae do they do for each other
they are people
people who are so different from each other
they cant be together in front of us right now
they cant be together everyday every hour right now

but they ARE together again

i am sure

they are...

they are so messed up
they are a 'hot' couple, its so obvious
they love each other and there is no logic to it
there is just passion
their love is plain passion

its NOT logical for them to be together
im sure they both know that

but they are

its because they love each other
they were fated to love each other
they themselves...
they were meant to be

i am so sure of this

i am so sure of their love

its so warm
when i see them together
i know i am not the only one who sees it

its so warm
when they glance
when they touch
and i know they share something more
you just FEEL it

they are so right
them together

they are so right

Friday, February 8, 2013

hanjoong feels

The first time Han Geng saw Jaejoong, the thing he remembered the most was his eyes. Jaejoong has a pair of extremely beautiful eyes. His eye pupil's are very black, very bright, and is even prettier than a girl’s eyes. (Me: That is so damn true!!! XOXOXO ^_^) He is like someone handsome right out from a comic. Although he has seen Heechul, which has a similar famous beautiful appearance, Han Geng still feels shocked by Jaejoong’s appearance. Hero’s appearance is a different kind of beauty, totally different from of Heechul’s. Jaejoong’s appearance is delicate, pretty, and it also gives a cold feel that rejects you miles away. Han Geng thought that Jaejoong is truly worthy as the champion of SM’s Beautiful Appearance Award. (Me: Yes I totally agree 100%!!! XOXOXO ^_^)

Although Jaejoong’s appearance brings a feminine resemblance, his appearance also gives people a really cold feeling. Besides he mutually gives regards, Jaejoong nearly does not speak at all, and always shows an expressionless face, this lets Han Geng think that he is hard to get close to. This impression continues on until both of them are placed into the same dormitory.

From then on, only then had he understood that the “first impression” that Jaejoong gave are the total opposite of who he truly is. Kim Jaejoong is someone who, if he wants to, can make people laugh like mad, that kind of person.

“ Hyung, you know what are fingers for? ”
" What? "
" It is for stirring the soup when you don’t have a spoon . "

First time Han Geng heard Jaejoong made this kind of joke, Han Geng thought in surprise that ‘So this person can make jokes!?!”. In just a short month time, Han Geng’s impression of Jaejoong has greatly changed into ‘This guy is really funny’.

The first time Han Geng has really experience Jaejoong’s funny skills was not long after they had stay together. There was once, he, Jaejoong and a few trainees were practicing dancing. During rehearsal break, they start playing a game, taking turns showing the dance they are most skilled in, the one who dance the best won’t have to clean up the practice room later. Everyone dance with all his might, Han Geng also did a dazzling popping dance. When it was Jaejoong’s turn, he just stand in the middle of the place and suddenly start a weird dance. His two arms wiggle forward, like a queer bird flapping it’s wings, one hand pointed at the sky and the other hand pointed at the floor, then he started running and turning around in circles, after a few circles he start shaking his hand and feet causing Han Geng and the others to look dumbfoundedly. When they finally started responding, everyone was drop to the floor laughing their hearts out, Han Geng laugh till he almost breathless, he never would have thought that Kim Jaejoong, such a pretty-faced guy, would have such a humor in him.

After that, as Han Geng slowly understand him more, he started liking him more. Jaejoong is a kind and considerate person. Although he may look cold on the outside, he is very kind and warm in the inside. Once, when Han Geng was not feeling well, Jaejoong was the only one that found out. Jaejoong gave him medicine and even made porridge for him, that really touched Han Geng. Both them instantly became best friends, Jaejoong can talk a lot, love telling cold jokes, love to play around, and always make Han Geng laughs. The “ cold impression and beautiful Jaejoong” that he first seen has gone to don’t know which planet.

Jaejoong also likes Han Geng. Han Geng also don’t know why but compared with the other people in the same dormitory, Jaejoong was closer to him. Jaejoong will come to find him no matter if it’s dance practice or song practice. The truth is, Han Geng’s Korean language skills was bad back then, sometimes Jaejoong had to speak with a little sign language for Han Geng to get what is said, but Jaejoong treat him this foreigner better than he treats anyone else, Han Geng was very touched of this.

Those days, Jaejoong was very serious with practicing singing, he can practice his vocal whole day and night in the practice room, till a very crazy extent. Han Geng was really shocked when he first got to know of Jaejoong’s suffering experience. When Jaejoong was a mere 10 age plus boy, he once sold his blood for a meal, even walk till he fainted just to save the transportation money needed. Han Geng was naturally impressed with Jaejoong which was two years younger than him. Jaejoong has a strong determined heart.

But all those are already in the past. The Jaejoong now can finally realize his dream under the name of TVXQ. Han Geng will feel happy everytime he sees Jaejoong’s cheerful face. Han Geng knows that the Jaejoong who sees his dream and friendship more important than anything else, not only has dream, but also the TVXQ members that he cares deeply. With Junsu, Yoochun, Changmin and Yunho by his side, this kind of Jaejoong will live his everyday happier than in his past.


credits to:Mary1803

Sunday, February 3, 2013

people think

people think that they are so strong
that they're always doing what they want to do
JYJ aren't in SM anymore so they do whatever they want
false
do you see Jaejoong able to promote his album on TV? no
Jaejoong Yoochun and Junsu
they haven't become party animals and crazy drug addicts or anything bad have they? no
they're still polite, they're still hardworking
just because their 'free' doesn't mean their free from societal expectations or from getting blocked from TV

and Yunho and Changmin
just because they decided to stay doesn't mean that their chained up dogs
but it doesn't mean that they have 'freedom' either!
i worry about them BECAUSE of the overwork, BECAUSE of the overlaying schedules
i worry about them because that is part of what made JYJ leave

but these 2 never seem to admit defeat even though they are human
they always take on more and more so headstrong
but it hurts to see them hurt and then continue pushing on at the same fast pace

i just don't know

both of their circumstancesssss....

i'm so frustrated!

JYJ they seek free creativity, they seek to expand, that is why i'm JYJ bias

it hurts but if i was one of the member

i would have stayed with Yunho and Changmin, because of all the reasons Yunho and Changmin stayed, the SM family, Suju, Shinee, because of all the hardwork and effort that was put into TVXQ that i would not be able to part with, because of the knowledge of being able to be seen on TV and continue the name, because of knowing that if i were to leave there would be too much at risk, because of a feeling of loyalty towards SM because they were the ones who created what i cherish now, even if i hated them, despised how they over work, how they have greed for money or whatever, i would have stayed if i were a member.

it hurts that as a fan i support JYJ so much more
that when i see JYJ i get the feelings, of liveliness and growth, of new songs being sung
of new opportunities being pursued
but when i look at Yunho and Changmin
i feel trapped
i feel uncertain of their happiness and willingness
i feel scared, wondering if they are hurt because these 2 never show it
i feel like i don't want to watch them
i don't want to watch them because i always think
'are you really saying that or is that scripted?'
its so strange isn't it?
when they were all in DBSK most times everything was scripted with some adlib and it was fine with me
but now
now that i see JYJ able to say reasonably what they want, when they want to, how they want to
it seems so fake to have a script planned out now
it seems like Yunho and Changmin could do it too, talk without a script, say exactly how they feel, not have to be so polite when answering questions, i wish for them to talk seriously towards us fans at least, no script nothing.  Just something to make sure that they are doing well, i don't even know, when they smile i don't know if its real, and it scares me that i question them and it hurts and causes me to turn away from them
they look so perfectly fine, they become more and more refined looking, more and more charactered, i'm sorry but 2d, so 2d are their characters that they're portraying now that i feel there is an ocean behind both of them that is being hidden

Yunho the leader, Yunho who is a bit clumsy and cute, a bit sensitive and silly, yet headstrong, polite yet formidable, his stance everything shows his strengths

Changin the maknae, outspoken, rude to people, snarky, smart, loves food, a bit rude to fans, yet still loving in his own way

isn't there more to them than that?
i know this is part of them but it's just what they're showing us
i can't even describe JYJ's characters anymore because they've broken their idol character images
i want to see Yunho and Changmin's idol characters broken
i want it to be okay that they're a mess of contradictions
i want to not just love them because of their character they choose to show, i want to love them because they are showing their true selves, i wish....
they would leave SM
i know i'm so bias
but i want them to leave
these feelings of wanting to see a new them
only leaving would be able to accomplish this
and i hate that i can't support their position
i hate that i can't support the decision that i myself would have done
but i want them to leave SM so much

but i do love them still
i do love them
i know i do because i want the 5 of them together again
and don't want JYJ alone
i long for all 5 of them
to see them again
i want to see their facial expressions side by side, their interactions

i want to know they are all being real with us, doing as they please, succeeding in their explorations

just everything
i feel so bad i feel like this because... i want to support them but can't
and i'm trying to figure out why
it hurts, but i would never bash Yunho or Changmin either
because i still love them
i do still love them

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Jaejoong Mine interpretations

these are amazing
http://jyjsoul.tumblr.com/post/40887214335/jyj-kim-jaejoongs-mine-mv-interpretation

http://intendone.tumblr.com/post/40796973290/fly-forever-symbolism-and-imagery-in-jaejoongs

http://intendone.tumblr.com/post/40283315814/mine-teaser-symbolism-interpretation

http://www.hellokpop.com/2013/01/20/music-video-review-the-artistry-and-symbolism-behind-kim-jaejoongs-mine/

i like this one too, i don't agree with some of it but i like how she incorporated a lot of the lyrics and also touched on things the others did not

http://lylisia.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/mine/

and then there's me adding my 2 cents

http://dbskthe1eternally.tumblr.com/post/41084369109/mine-further-interpretation

http://dbskthe1eternally.tumblr.com/post/41090961731/i-just-want-to-point-out-i-read-that-jaejoong

have it be known that interpretations all differ accordingly. we don't actually KNOW for EXACT what Jaejoong was thinking when he created the MV but through general analysis of the MV we came to conclusions according to our individual knowledge about symbols and about Jaejoong's situation.

heck i read something where Chinese Cassies were drawing up comparisons with Mirotic

the only one who knows for sure what things mean to Jaejoong is Jaejoong himself
it's just like his tattoo's, there are multiple meanings and multiple interpretations

but through analyzing  we can try to understand and come at least a little bit closer to the truth within Jae's MV