God i feel numb

i dont know if its because today im in too good of a mood that i cant be sad
or that i have successfully disconnected myself from feeling hurt
my mom was yelling at me

of course i know i have a problem
i cant take real life stuff seriously at all
i just can't
cant
cant!!!!

why cant i get my licence
dear god
i know
i KNOW
something is wrong with me
I KNOW

i just wish...
I DONT KNOW

i know im spoiled
i know that im not a kid anymore
i know
i know

i dont know whats wrong with me
i dont know how to fix me

i hate lots of things
im scared of lots of things


you know i always look okay
always
even when im sick
or when im sad
i always look okay
i can smile and laugh and shit like that

but
when i actually say somethings wrong
its bad enough that i need to tell someone
i dont need a freaking answer like

i cant believe you
or
it doesnt look that bad
or anything like that

all i need is some understanding
why cant you understand me?

im scared as hell
im not like THEM
you raised me like this
im dependent on you
you MADE me dependent on you
you just cant expect me to suddenly know what to do

i need help
you know im more naive and lost than most people
cant you understand me?

understand me please

and all the while i run away from my problems

you tell me that i spend too much time on my computer
its my escape
i cant stop biting my nails or shaking my leg
i get too nervous
im so nervous

can't you understand that im scared?
i use the computer as an escape
its my escape