mostly TVXQ (Homin) ponderings...

I guess this is where i will continue putting my fears about dbsk

maybe there will be a reunion i really hope so

but JJ and Su are going to the army soon so... even if they do... and then Yun will follow very close behind them 

then who knows about Chun and Min

...

anyways what i really want to say is that im scared about Yunho and Changmin

i hate that rumor that 2 people dont get along so there will be a break up and that people think these 2 people are Min and Yun

but then again i think about Beijing and dude Changmin wasnt seen with Yun going back to Korea and i was speculating a lot

why arent you two together? did Changmin stay behind and go to the hospital? if so Yunho should have stayed too. did Min have a different flight? why? that doesnt make much sense. and then if Changmin took a secret route away from fans then why didnt Yun go with him that way instead of with the Suju boys? 

then they arrived back in Korea and Yunho was with Changmin again and i was like oh, see its all good... its all good... hmmm kinda doesnt make much sense. Suju werent there either. did Yun wait for Changmin? idk what is happening here then... they both seemed to be walking fine though. they both didnt seem to be injured so i was completely happy about that.

then we hear that Yun may be cast as a host for a show.

let me tell you. i've always been scared of them just becoming show hosts and then SM just dropping them from the music scene and telling everyone that Homin are focusing on other things.  i mean these 2 are singers.  in their blood they are singers.  but really it is SM that deals with everything they do. i keep thinking about that time there was a hidden camera in the backstage of a show and DB5K were talking and some people just came up to them and were like 'one of you have to become a permanent host on this show' and all of them looked at each other and were like 'not me. no. you do it. not me'. NONE of them wanted to do it but they knew that someone had to. someone had to be forced to do it. that is why i worry. are they doing what they want to do? is this what they want? IDK Homin really... 

I worry less about Changmin because he always goes with the flow. really with the other 4 they all had these more outgoing more specific goals and images of themselves in the future and they worked out of their way to make sure everything happens the way they wanted it to. Changmin though, he always goes with the flow, he have the opportunity to be a singer? then he works hard at that. he has the opportunity to do this or that? he will work hard at whatever is given to him. but its not like one day he wants to reach this or that. he just goes with it.

the other 4 are different. they have these goals of what they want. they will accomplish them no matter what it takes. 

back to Yunho.

IDK how he is now. once he laughed and said he forgot what his personality actually is. that is really something. Jung has always been told ever since he debuted 'you've changed' and that is what sticks to Yunhos mind about his personality the most.  

so his dreams... when he was 17 he had such a list of things... idk if those are what he wants now or what? it seems like all his energy is pooled into being leader of TVXQ and nothing else and he seems so exhausted and his eyes i dont even know how to describe them. its like they've seen so much and been through so much.  sometimes when he smiles i feel like crying because of his eyes.

does Yunho want to be a show host?  maybe the answer is different now. maybe he DOES want to? anyways for one reason or another news comes out Yunho will not be a host.

i wonder. why? did they just decide not to have the show. have another person be host?  did SM want him to be host or not? did he turn down being a host?

recently too its always spotting Yunho at the SM building and hes by himself. these stalkers only ever see Yunho by himself. :/ going around places by himself. we dont really even know what hes doing.  the last few days what the heck was he doing? was he just relaxing? IDK it just feels weird. 

Changmin as Changmin is, seems content to be a host. maybe hes having fun for real.  i think he is. although his original show was a book club and not a sports show i think he likes it quite a bit and thats great.

but i cant help but think that Changmin wanted a book club first so that he wouldnt have to do the silly things sports shows do sometimes.  Changmin is my smart boy, he would love to sit around talking about books. too bad it wasnt a popular thing. again though, even though Changmin seemed a little pushed into doing the sports show instead he seems to really be enjoying it. im glad hes making more friends and smiling so often.

but, and i hate myself for thinking these thoughts, what about Yunho.

I know they've known each other longer than 10 years but what about Yunho?

Changmin wanted to move away from Yunho.  Changmin is doing all these solo activities.  

and Yunho... where are his activities?

then i think again. Yunho has had his own solo activities too while Changmin wasnt doing anything. but this feels different somehow.  IDK but its like Yunho is either refusing to be a host or SM is refusing to let him do some work. either way its not good.

and then there are the rumors that Changmin renewed his contract and Yunho didnt.  

at first i wanted to scream at all of the people saying these things.  'How dare you say that?! Homin would never! Why would they negotiate separately?!  Why would Changmin do that to Yunho?!'

then truthfully i think about it and...

i want to cry because i think Changmin IS capable of doing that.  With DB5K they all have thick skulls.  They all do what they think is RIGHT and they hardly ever back down. i love them for it and wouldnt want them any other way but then again its one of the reasons they had to split. 

If Changmin did do that I would be so ANGRY and SAD and i would still love him because I know he just did what he thought was best.

but...

Yunho.... I hate when I see him alone.  its so scary to see Yunho alone.  without his members.  without Changmin.  Just thinking about it i want to cry.  He's so solitary.  He looks so strong with his stance and yet his eyes and actions are gentle and almost scared but also wise and knowing somehow.  IDK how to describe it.

with Jaejoong his shoulders shrink he looks down and has a certain smile and laugh and poise when hes alone that makes me think that only with his members can he be truly outgoing.

with Jung its the same type of thing just that instead of shrinking in he grows so proper and professional.

they act as if they're scared of other peoples judgments and they cannot act as their normal selves.

When Yunho was the last off stage in Beijing and was bowing.  He looked so alone up there. so sentimental.  his bowing wasnt showing off, it wasnt because he wanted to be seen and talked about, it was sincere and i felt the sadness and fear. i fear he fears that hes disappearing and its scary.  

hes lived for the group for the fans for so long... has he forgotten his selfish ambitions?  what do you want Jung Yunho? what do you want for yourself? i wish that you would do what you want.  

its strange. its strange for any of the DB5K members to be idle. especially Yunho.  When they dont do anything they think too much and depression creeps up on them and thats scary.

I want him to find what he wants and be happy.  Find it Yunho, please.

I dont want to believe the bad rumors, but i cannot say that its not true.  when DB5K had the lawsuit everyone was in denial at first.

it started with the moving out, then the separate at airports then the rumors also. which is why im so scared but all i can do is tell myself no matter what that they all love each other and that all 5 of them will have all of Cassiopeia to help them through whatever happens in the future.