Our Fire

ah...
i'm so proud of all of them
i think i want to cry
it's just that all 5 of them have grown up so much
have become their own person
i mean

i used to cry because they were a unit and afterwards they seemed so broken
and i wished and wished and wished
that they could be together to help each other and complete each other
but

they've grown so so so much...
i know its been YEARS but really...
up until now it's been so hard for them

the tears they shed separately
the pains they felt separately
at those times i prayed for them to be together so they could help each other get through it all

but i'm so stupid
no actually it wasn't stupid but really
i didn't understand
or i didnt WANT to understand
that through going through these pains as individuals instead of a unit
they weren't just hurting
they were growing as people

growing and strengthening themselves
they had depended so much on each other that i feared they would break if they had to deal with everything separately
i feared and feared

i thought things
i still think these things occasionally
the only one able to tell Jaejoong to go to sleep when he is having insomnia is Yunho
the only one able to make Changmin laugh when crap gets hard is Junsu
the one who fixes Yunho's outfits, gets Yunho water, covers his face on a plane, is Jaejoong
those types of thoughts

and they were true for a while
Jaejoong stayed up late into the night fostering some bad habits
Changmin was so angry and depressed
Yunho sometimes seemed so... alone
but slowly

Jaejoong learned to deal with a balance himself without other people having to tell him
Changmin went to therapy and made friends with Suju and SHINee and became brighter
Yunho too has become better
and these are just some examples i mean
i worried about all of them

Yoochun and Junsu too...

i was so worried they would break without the others support

because as young men they had each other to lean on
and now they were standing by themselves and i was scared they would get hurt
and i cried and wanted to protect them

i constantly watched their pains and suffering
those tears and those words written in their eyes

but i also watched as they grew and changed
and at first i didn't like it
don't change
don't change
don't change

selfish
i'm so selfish
i wanted them to remain as they were
i wanted them to be dependent on each other always
i wanted them to need each other
i wanted them to be together
selfish feelings

and i knew they were selfish but i wanted and wanted

they always give their all to us, their fans
they always give to us
we are so spoiled
i think
because we want it they will surely do it just for us
because we are their fans
because it shows that they love us and love each other

selfish

they always sacrifice for us
and we can't understand when they do something selfish for themselves?
what kind of fan am i?
to be sad
to be angry
because they wouldn't give in and be together...
because they were for once being a little selfish....
and the whole while of being selfish
being apart
it was like they were constantly saying

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
that i did something selfish

constantly apologizing
pain in their eyes as they tried to show us how much they love us
pain in their hearts because we were/are so upset with them

i as a fan was/am so selfish
because the feelings of
'i want you together'
remains branded on my heart
but it's also a strange feeling
now this feeling doesn't include
'i want to return to the past'
because that thought
that thought
would mean i don't appreciate how hard they've worked separately

how they constantly showed their love for us
how they constantly battled everything

EVERYTHING
for us
for us
for us
for us
for us
EVERYTHING

i loved the them of the past
i love the them of now equally if not more

they've grown
and i'll be damned if i don't open my eyes and see that and appreciate that

i see now
as a unit they were a strong relentless fire

and the feared separation...

i knew in my heart the 5 fires could sustain separately but i wanted the warmth of the 1 large fire that kept me safe and warm

but by separation the fires were able to be fostered and grown individually
and the warmth i feel from all of them separately
has grown so tremendously

at first there could only be a large fire in the living room
and now the whole house can be warm

and i feel a bit stupid for not understanding how we needed 5 separate fires

and although i remember standing in the living room near the fire
eyes dancing with the light
the feeling of comfort
warmth enveloping me

i cannot deny that we needed a warm house

that this fire obviously should and could not be contained but needed to expand

and it's not even like they're really separated
because they warm the same people in the same house they always have
and now can warm even more people

anyways

the 5 of them
seem so happy
so happy
free
free
free
free
free
boundless

i want to repeat again
the feeling of
'i want to see them together'
remains
but
'i want to return to the past'
does not

it's more like

the large warm fire that warmed the fireplace everyone knew was the biggest warmest fire ever
then separately the warmth spread and it was not as warm at first
the people in the house (Cassiopeia btw) were scared of that
but it kindled well separately
and everyone (even those not within the house) knew that the house was the warmest even though there were separate fires

but the people in the house
although warmer than all the other houses
longed for the burn of their first fire

they know it's selfish
they revel in the warmth they have now and understand it
but the scorch is like an addiction and they wish they could have a taste of it again

i believe one day...
this may sound a bit stupid
but
i want the fire to one day collect
and it will burn again as one fire
so strong this time that it burns down the whole house
and as the residence of the house stare at the fire
not with horror but amazement and pride
because this fire is so large that it just can't be contained
and so many more can gather around this giant flame
and feel the scorching addiction of this burn
and the unimaginable warmth it brings

one day it will happen

but the point is

no longer will i say
'i want to go to the past'

i want to say that i treasure the present
and that i look forward to the future

we have the warmest house
but the scorching burn...
the aching addiction
when we feel it again
it will be bigger than ever

we must treasure this warm house though and not think about going to the past
because we need to warm the whole house
before we can have that gigantic legendary fire that will burn so bright not even the farthest coldest edges of the earth would deny the warmth they feel from our fire

i guess i'll end this rant with
AKTF

always cherish the past
always appreciate the present
always look towards the future
never give up Cassiopeia
i know i won't