in extreme emoshinki mode

on tumblr i told everyone to be strong. to believe in DBSK.
but
here i am emoshinking away
crying about dbsk

mentioning the end of the lawsuit nearing...
it opens old wounds that gush out
and
it hurts sooo bad

the lawsuit

my heart is pounding

“All hearings of lawsuits to clarify invalidity of the exclusive contract between SM between JYJ has been finished today. Seoul Central District Court will announce it’s ruling on July 19.”


If SM wins the lawsuit, JYJ has to go back to SM or pay approx $4.5M to get out. But if JYJ wins, they can never be together as TVXQ again </3


...

gah! i dont know what to do with myself!! (omg self morning/pay no attention)

I'm going on a week long vacation and all i can think about is how much i'm going to miss my fandom! TT^TT

TVXQ teasers! Kill me now! I have to see mooore! Plus they have the 'I am' movie coming out thursday!
Yoochun in Elle! I KNOW there will be more out! aaaahhh! Wae?!
Junsu pics from his concerts! Sooo freaking handsommmee!!
not to even freaking mention
Jaejoong with hos drama! I srsly have to watch the 2 recent eps! aaah!

TT^TT


i have no idea how to spend this last day!
reading fanfics?
watching dbsk stuff?
scrolling tumblr?

idek! i feel like i'm leaving for a really long time and i'll miss my fandom soo much!

what is wrong with me?!

sdfkasjdglfkgjsdalsd

plus i started 2 new blogs all of a sudden and want to start a Kare Kano blog too!!
sadjgaksjdgas
that will have to wait till after the vacation!

*sigh*

what is wrong with me?!
all i can think about is what i will miss if i don't stay home!
plus i dont get twitter on my phone!!!!
JYJ aaahh!!

Oh fuuuuuck
i havent updated my fanfics in suuuch a long time tooooooo DX


___

add on how emoshinki i am because of everyone talking about the lawsuit ending and the results in july 19...

totally personal

I'm 17 now
i know i should want more
like
wanting a car
wanting a job
wanting to get out of the house
wanting more money

shit

i dont WANT anything
im not some idiot
im actually a very good daughter and i do well in school
but i dont WANT anything

when they say
dont you want more money?
not really

dont you want a job?
not really

dont you want a car?
not really

when i get a job i'll have to pay for a car and i know i wont get shit money
i hate how my parents were all 'we'll buy you a car' and now they're like 'get a job so you can buy yourself a car'
dude
i dont even want it
i hate going out
i hate shopping at the mall and shit

if i get a car all i would do is go to my job and go out on errands for you

woop-de-freaking-do

i dont want anything

man you guys

i really dont want a job
everyone has one and you know what?
they dont have time to do shit
they dont have time to spend their money
they dont have time to hang out
they dont have shit

i know i will have to get one eventually but shit
i dont want anything yet

i dont want to have to do anything before i have to
i mean
srsly
i spent my childhood pretending to be an adult and now that i'm here
shit
i never got to be a kid
shit
shit
SHIT

and yeah the job offer my aunts are giving me sounds great
but frick
i wanted to spend summer sleeping and daydreaming because i feel like my soul is being sucked out of me!!!!!

yeah
im such a lazy bastard
but shit
yknow i work my ass off for school and after high school
after THIS

there wont ever EVER be a break for me again
not like this

my family isnt rich
i know i will have to make it on my own

but still i would rather start later than sooner cause SHIT

there is no time for me to rest after this

just thinking about it makes me hella frustrated

and srsly
maybe i have anger management problems or a personality disorder
because i hate driving
and after i can drive
i have no excuse for not doing something
i hate doing shit
foreal

im a lazy bum

not around ppl

but by myself

i want to be a lazy bum

I dont have big expectations for life

i would be FINE as a stay at home mom married to some dude

life is wasted on me

i feel like a failure to modern women
srsly i dont want anything more
than a house with a plot of land, a husband, and a kid

thats about it

if i dream any bigger it would be to travel the world a bit

but srsly

i would only want to do that as a young person

and that is NOT happening

my parents expect me to get through college on some lucky scholarship i will HOPEFULLY land
and i already plan to go to the cheapest colleges around

but what was the point of this rant?

oh right

of course everyone wants money
but i dont feel the need to
get a job
get a car
to get money

and use up my time like that

i have no idea what my problem is

like i dont want to be a part of society or something?!
or i hate people?!

I dont WANT anything
because i dont want to worry about all that shit until i HAVE to!

if i dont HAVE to yet then fuck it!
I dont WANT to!

no one seems to understand this... maybe it doesnt even make sense?! idk this is just how i feel!

I dont want to
I dont want to
I dont want to
i dont want to
I dont want to

leave me alone please

i may smile and look nice all the freaking time
but i hate it
i hate being around everyone and being pressured to do things i dont want to do
i dont want everyone around saying the good things about getting a job and what not

to me everyone looks like they're falling deeper and deeper into a hole
and i dont want to be there too

idek

whats wrong with me?!

I know i SHOULD want

I try to force myself to want

but srsly

I dont want
get away from me

I'm tired
I dont want to hear anything anymore

yeah everything you say sounds great

but for me somehow everything sounds like shit

Tone Tour TVXQ

Me watching Tone Tour right now like a boss!
http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/QufIMVk5M0Q/?resourceId=0_06_02_99?fr=2

Five in the black tour!

AAAAAHhhh! my heart!
re-watching five in the black tour!
AAHHH!
ALL MY FEELINGS!
y'know i'm getting that feeling of 'god i miss them so much!! SO MUCH!' again and my eyes are getting teary and i'm getting sniffely and all emotional!
gosh!
oh gosh!
the way their voices blend together!
and i just watched 'i'll be there' and god! Yunho just killed me because he got a good singing part in that song and i never realized that before and i'm like 'damn i love him so freaking much!'
feel like crying

dear god,
thank you for creating such perfect amazing 5 guys!
ahhhhhh

my feelingsssss

;A;