totally personal

I'm 17 now
i know i should want more
like
wanting a car
wanting a job
wanting to get out of the house
wanting more money

shit

i dont WANT anything
im not some idiot
im actually a very good daughter and i do well in school
but i dont WANT anything

when they say
dont you want more money?
not really

dont you want a job?
not really

dont you want a car?
not really

when i get a job i'll have to pay for a car and i know i wont get shit money
i hate how my parents were all 'we'll buy you a car' and now they're like 'get a job so you can buy yourself a car'
dude
i dont even want it
i hate going out
i hate shopping at the mall and shit

if i get a car all i would do is go to my job and go out on errands for you

woop-de-freaking-do

i dont want anything

man you guys

i really dont want a job
everyone has one and you know what?
they dont have time to do shit
they dont have time to spend their money
they dont have time to hang out
they dont have shit

i know i will have to get one eventually but shit
i dont want anything yet

i dont want to have to do anything before i have to
i mean
srsly
i spent my childhood pretending to be an adult and now that i'm here
shit
i never got to be a kid
shit
shit
SHIT

and yeah the job offer my aunts are giving me sounds great
but frick
i wanted to spend summer sleeping and daydreaming because i feel like my soul is being sucked out of me!!!!!

yeah
im such a lazy bastard
but shit
yknow i work my ass off for school and after high school
after THIS

there wont ever EVER be a break for me again
not like this

my family isnt rich
i know i will have to make it on my own

but still i would rather start later than sooner cause SHIT

there is no time for me to rest after this

just thinking about it makes me hella frustrated

and srsly
maybe i have anger management problems or a personality disorder
because i hate driving
and after i can drive
i have no excuse for not doing something
i hate doing shit
foreal

im a lazy bum

not around ppl

but by myself

i want to be a lazy bum

I dont have big expectations for life

i would be FINE as a stay at home mom married to some dude

life is wasted on me

i feel like a failure to modern women
srsly i dont want anything more
than a house with a plot of land, a husband, and a kid

thats about it

if i dream any bigger it would be to travel the world a bit

but srsly

i would only want to do that as a young person

and that is NOT happening

my parents expect me to get through college on some lucky scholarship i will HOPEFULLY land
and i already plan to go to the cheapest colleges around

but what was the point of this rant?

oh right

of course everyone wants money
but i dont feel the need to
get a job
get a car
to get money

and use up my time like that

i have no idea what my problem is

like i dont want to be a part of society or something?!
or i hate people?!

I dont WANT anything
because i dont want to worry about all that shit until i HAVE to!

if i dont HAVE to yet then fuck it!
I dont WANT to!

no one seems to understand this... maybe it doesnt even make sense?! idk this is just how i feel!

I dont want to
I dont want to
I dont want to
i dont want to
I dont want to

leave me alone please

i may smile and look nice all the freaking time
but i hate it
i hate being around everyone and being pressured to do things i dont want to do
i dont want everyone around saying the good things about getting a job and what not

to me everyone looks like they're falling deeper and deeper into a hole
and i dont want to be there too

idek

whats wrong with me?!

I know i SHOULD want

I try to force myself to want

but srsly

I dont want
get away from me

I'm tired
I dont want to hear anything anymore

yeah everything you say sounds great

but for me somehow everything sounds like shit