jaejoong-ah...

apparently back in september he already got called to enlist and in october he went and got an extension to august 2012...

noooo its coming!

i dont know how i'll live when he's gone for two years!

its not fair im finally getting only enough t go out and see him!

for realz i can get a job and get money to see him! TT^TT

but hes gonna be gone during my prime! 18-19 year old life and when i see him again hes going to be 32 and im going to be 20!

i want to see him! i want to see him!

TT^TT

i dont want him to go! nono nonoonnononononono!

dont take him! dont take him! TT^TT

i cnat even imagine him bald... aaah DX

dont cut that perfect hair! nonononononononono!

;_;

its coming its coming its coming...

OKAAAAYYY!!!!!!!

dlskjf;aksdjhg as hdglaksh aiwu hgskdj falks

OKAY i just worked forever on a freaking math hw project that isnt even due till NEXT monday and not THIS monday (which is tomorrow) so FML!

anyways

i still have hw but god i need to get away from it for a second... ;>.>


omg Super Junior is helping me numb my DBSK angst as of now because truthfully i love suju but i am so emotionally unattached to their songs that i feel GREAT!

now everytime i hear a DBSK song i go into emoshinki mode

srsly maybe every song

the sad songs are like FML cry my eyes freaking out everytime

the happy songs are just as bad as the sad songs! maybe even freaking WORSE!

like every time i hear 'love in the ice' i get all angsty and crazy

but

i can barely listen to 'balloons' at all ever since i saw that fancam of yunho and.... TT^TT

even 'summer dream' that song... homin... they rly...

and 'proud'

even the songs they never sang as five live like 'toki wo tomete'...

uuuugh

that is why every DBSK song... EVERY ONE i feel like emotionally trashed right now!

thats why right now

these upbeat whatever suju songs are really hitting the spot right now

as long as i dont think about sad things with their group (which i usually dont unless its intentional) then im okay

but right now i cant even listen to english sad songs or love songs without thinking about DBSK and ranting about them in my head!

really even thinking about it right now HURTS REALLY BAD!

UUUUGHHHH!!!

_____

on another note

i went to go watch breaking dawn

one of the things that frustrate me about the movies is that i really dont like robert pattinson or kristin steward or however you spell her name.  He is NOT handsome enough OR talented enough to play a perfect flawless vampire and she is not even talented enough to play a doorstop let alone a human being.

but i did something in my mind that made the movie 3x as enjoyable

i imagined that edward was Jaejoong XD

dang every time i saw robert and thought 'ew ew ew wth hes supposed to be a vampire but look he has a pimple and wrinkles and hes so ugly, hes only slightly lighter than bella and bella is just as 'flawless (not!)' as he is they look the freaking same! shes already freaking pale! ugh!' i calmed myself down and imagined it as Jaejoong and it made me so much happier!  Jaejoong saying this or doing that ooh XD

so then i was all hmm i rly hate kristin too but yunjae would be weird... (and i definetly wanted jae to be the vampire) so i thought of a girl i dont think i would ever hate and picked Jessica Jung

dang

i never thought Jaesica would be this sexy

i dont rly approve but for this movie... I APPROVE! XD

SEXY!

anyways i want to watch that new snow white movie coming out too but god!  why does kristin steward have to star in that 1 2!  her staring in it just ruins it! like i was watching the preview and was all 'dang this is really good!' and i was 100% going to watch it but then 'BAM' you see that kristin is snow white. 

i was like... shes not even prettier than the 'queen' coming after her ;>.>

whatever... the movie looked so GOOD though! except for her! but now my chances of seeing it became 50% cause i really dont like her.

her acting really just sucks too much.

but maybe if i go ill imagine her as jessica again?

or maybe ill imagine her as Jaejoong and the man coming after him and eventually falling in love with him will be Yunho? XD

i really want to write a fanfic about that now! KYAA! XD

but idk who the queen should be.  Heechul? Jessica?

i think Heechul and Siwon should be in it somehow and instead of the 7 dwarfs maybe ill have chunnie, minnie and susu be the 3 cuties that take jae in? XD

aahh i will definetly write it!

hopefully i can add a sexy rain and donghae and my bias kyuhyun maybe somehow find a way to fit sungminnie in somewhere? lol

ooh having hangeng in it would be cool too!! XD

aahhh idk i have alot of essays i need to write ;_;

i should be writing one right now...

uuugh


YOSH!


back to homework!

i feel better now! ^^

ill let myself start on the story if and only if i start my history study guide and figure out what im going to write about for english!!!

uuugh

byby

Realization

yeah if you havent noticed from my last post this has been going through my head for the last few days

theres jyjs pov

homins pov

and cassiopeias pov

jyj i knew their pov from the start

they want to do what they want, they want to be stars for a very long time, sing on stage forever and ever, they want to never leave

i think thats y subconciously i was on jyjs side

because im a cassie that wants all 5 to be on stage forever and ever and jyj want that too and i pushed homin away as if to say 'i cant believe you dont want this, i cant believe you' i rly blamed them somewhere in my heart and it hurt so much every time i looked at them i felt this betrayal but

after i watched some of their interviews its pretty apparent

these 2

they dont want forever anymore

they dont want anymore than they already have

they just want to finish up being stars so they can somehow live normal lives and raise their own families

yunhos message to his future wife

other than the majorly yunjae parts that ill just ignore till later

he said he will only be with the person he loves AFTER hes done with this line of work

i kept repeating that over and over in my head like an idiot

AFTER?  theres going to be an AFTER?

what happened to TVXQ/DBSK being forever?

then i thought about it

maybe they rly dont want that

changmin has already said that if he could do his life all over he would pick to be a normal person and live a normal life

i always understood that about changmin but yunho...

hes changed since they've 1st debuted

remember when he was so young... he had so many ambitions... 1 was to be a director...

but now it seems like hes forgotten those things and is persuing something different

he wants a family

he wants to be with the person he rly loves

with all those yunjae hints i hope its jae but thats for later

he wants to start a family and i think as of now thats what he truly wishes for

so isnt it my own selfishness to deny him something that would make him most happy?

if thats what makes him most happy then what?  i have to let him... let THEM go right?

cause its changmin and yunho who want this... (and maybe they would steal jaejoong away too?) 

i think i kinda realized this but didnt want to admit it...

im so sad...

i realize now every1 in this fandom is just being selfish, even our stars (which i do believe the 5 of them are finally being selfish, and doing things for themselves so its a good thing but for us fans its a bad thing cause we love them so much and we are so confused)

JYJ's selfishness - they know homin want nothing more, they know that if they stay they will have those last few great hits before SME pushes them aside and lets them fade, they know its hard on changmin and yunho that they dont want to leave SME and have the second half of their stardom to be scarred by SME being evil to them, but JYJ leave anyways because they want to do whats best for themselves and their careers, to carry on and to live and survive as stars, they left.

Homin's selfishness - They realize they've told us and every1 forever, but what they truly want are families of their own.  that normal life with the one they love.  they dont want the forever anymore.  they just want to keep going and then fade and then live normal lives.  They knew JYJ want the forever, they knew if they left with JYJ then there would be the forever, but thats not what they want anymore.  They stay because its the easiest way.  They stay because they dont want their last half of their stardom to be blocked, they just want to do the normal things like promote etc, and go out as shining stars always remembered as legends.

as a cassie my selfish thoughts would be "How could you?  Why are you leaving us?  Why cant you stay with us?  Why can't you be stars and have your happy ending at the same time?  Liars.  You said forever."

thats so selfish though right? 

they actually... this time they actually chose what they want

what they RLY want 1st

they chose what was best for THEMSELVES

and what was best for themelves wasnt the same as what was best for the group...

i think though

somehow if its possible...

if homin actually change their minds

somehow...

i hope dbsk can be together again

hold a concert, the hugest live world tour ever...

please

dbsk

my life

even though i know this i still want to believe they will be as 5 again

somehow


_____

ok onto yunho hints to jaejoong in that to his wife thingy

it felt so obvious

someone you knew but after your debut that person would be a star and it would be difficult on that person...

then hes all 'my other half' and i though 'oh yunjae always say that ;_; im delusional'

then hes all 'lets celebrate your next bday together' and i was all 'omg remeber jaes sisters report about jae getting drunk on his bday and how he repeatedly asked for yunho but he wasnt there? omo such a yunjae thing im so delusional'

then he talks about wanting to see the person again soon and i literally was like 'God yunhos dropping alot of yunjae hints!'

so yeah im 90% sure that letter was intentionally for jaejoong but who knows rly?

like WHY KNOWS RLY?!

so yeah

i still believe yunjae but...

i kinda think jaejoong would never want to live a 'normal life' he wants to be on stage forever... then i think what about if it means being with yunho?  would he pick yunho instead of us?  i want to think 'pick us pick us!' but rly now... he would be truly happy with yunho right?

i dont want to admit... losing jaejoong would be like...

my heart feels torn out!

gosh!

but srsly SRSLY now

yunho kept repeating how he cant be with the person he likes because it would be difficult for that person

and he said he cant be with another person because he would feel bad for the person he likes

so yeah so yunjae


then i remember jaes interview from a while back

remember he was drinking because the interview was 'drinking truth' or something and the person asked how many relationships he'd been in since the debut of dbsk and he answered 4 and they were all celebs?  then his staff went kinda crazy like maybe jae shouldnt have revealed that?

knowing jaejoong  he probably meant his 4 dbsk members... cause yknow hes like that...

idk thats what i think neways

hes always teasing us like that :P

but neways even with the situation the way it is now yunjae is so legit it hurts


yunnie dont steal jae away for yourself, you all could be stars together and live happy lives as our stars that we cassies can always watch and protect

we miss 5 so much

so selfish i know but still...

dbsk boys whatever you do

i will always watch and wait and be a thoughtful cassie for you! <33333

Yunnie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUqg1WEUFN4&feature=related

hes rly a good guy ne?

i couldnt help but think of jaejoong after watching this...

TT^TT

but even if its not jaejoong (and im saying there is a possibility its not)

yunho...

i realized 1 more thing thats different between jyj and homin

jyj cant live without performing and singing and acting

while homin... i think they want the stardom then they want to fall out of stardom and just live normal lives with their wives....

jyj... i dont think they feel that way... jyj want to live on the stage, its not that they dont want families of their own its just that... music is always the most important thing for them...

: /

...

i hope he was talking about jaejoong though

the situation sounds like jaejoong...

i hope yunjae can be happy some day TT^TT

goodnight

gahh! TT^TT

im going crazy!

before the voting started i was all "its okay if suju win.  cassies wife cassies best friend.  theyre going on haitus soon.  ELFs are rly trying to help them win."

i was actually planning on helping them and voting for them...

but once the voting actually started i automatically clicked TVXQ!

i saw they were losing and clicked them because... because... idk! because im Cassiopeia and i want to vote for TVXQ!

but sujus still winning even though i vote for TVXQ everyday!

i keep voting thinking "win win win!"

but what happened to my thoughts before?! so horrible!

gosh!

then i get slightly frustrated that we arent winning but then i have to calm myself down!

Suju are trying SO HARD to help suju win this 1! Suju are going on haitus soon and they want to give this last win to their boys! 

They want to show SM that suju are worth bringing back and that this haitus will not be an indefinite haitus because suju are worth keeping around!

My TVXQ boys win SO MUCH they have won this award many times before!

why cant i just help suju?

WHY?!

i keep asking myself that and the answer is

no matter how much i love suju i love DBSK more

im so sorry boys!!! TT^TT

Yunho and changmin havent won mama on their own yet!  We feel like we need to show off their abilities, that they can actually make it as a duo, that they are good enough!

even though im an aktf fan i feel this way too and i cant help but click homin every single time!

i wish my heart could vote suju cause i FEEL like they deserve it but my heart moves my hand to pick TVXQ!

its like im struggling with myself!

its so contraditory when in my mind i think

"i hope suju win.  but my hand votes TVXQ!"

grrr....

i know i sound like an idiot!

but i rly love the miracle of the purple line ;_; ... i cant help but feel like im betraying our love

________

then theres the other voting for GDA...

i didnt think twice about voting only for JYJ

gawd i feel like a horrible cassie today! TT^TT

the ranks are Suju, TVXQ, then JYJ

before i even opened the voting thing i knew i was going to vote JYJ

the reason?

Jaejoongs my bias and i hate SME

gawd i feel horrible though!

TVXQ are so close to winning but i want to vote JYJ!

"JYJ win! win win!"

thats what i thought!

gawd i hate myself!

the saddest thing for me was looking at the number of votes

Suju had about 9 thousand

DBSK about 8 thousand

JYJ about 7 thousand


i thought

if only dbsk were together we would have about 15 thousand votes

then it would be like before

things would be like before

DBSK would win like they always do...

i would be so happy

then i thought of the suju boys

im sorry is all i can think at this point

my love for even 1 of my DBSK boys is bigger than the love that i have for suju as a whole

im sorry

this is why i dont claim the CassieELF fandom

:'(

Suju i hope you win or else i hope JYJ win

im sorry homin

and im still voting for Homin and JYJ

Im such a pitiful human being

dont get me wrong i love you ELFs....

ELFs must feel so betrayed when some Cassies side with Sones

ELFs we're sorry we do love you

....

TT^TT

ahhh

i feel stressed or sick or cloudy or something idk what it is

i just realized though im so frustrated and not happy

im only happy when something involves dbsk

...

is that sad?

:(

i need to go have fun and stop doing hw for 2 second

or maybe just sleep?

maybe take a day off school?

not this week though! im so busy this week! DX

gaah stressed stressed stressed

ok ok ok

taking my mind off myself

shinee

i heard they were being rude?

i hope not

they probably dont know japanese manners well enough :(

like its more polite in japan to eat loudly but in korea its more polite to eat quietly

they look so sad and tired

please be okay shinee boys!

i feel sad cause i think shawols are suddenly seeing the sad reality the boys have to live in and coming out of their perfect shinee world...

then on fb i ranted all about sme and elfs and sones  fighting on kpopsecrets.tumblr.com but i dont feel like adding that on here rright now so ill add it on the next 1

neways tablo i know your too good for yg and so do you.  your just waiting for epik high right?  your talent is bigger than any large company like yg can handle.  yg knows they snagged 1 of the brightest jewels.  tablo props to you.  keep doing what your doing i love ya.

thats about it.

i found some dbsk stuff i havent watched yet

stuff from all the way back on 2004/5...

they were so young and innocent

not knowing what was to come and just pushing through all the difficulties so that they could reach the top

i love them so

these boys i love them soooo much

aktf

im tired

going to sleep

please let my mind be clear and not like this tomorrow

dbsk i love you