Jaejoong

I have no idea why i feel so bad

this can't be because of Jaejoong losing his voice
this is probably a creation of my own

anyways maybe venting about Jaejoong will help me feel better
I hope it does
______

Jaejoong
makes me feel like i'm not alone.
The way he is... i don't even know how to describe this feeling
like when he's standing, even when he's surrounded by a million people, he seems alone
he stands alone
he has his own world
even when everyone is watching him there is something about him
the air around him is different than anyone elses
it's somehow an air of melancholy, a bit sad, i get drawn in easily to him
I always wonder what he's going to do next, how he will react to this and that
for some reason it always seems new and intriguing
like i didn't expect him to do this or that
but i'm never surprised at being surprised at him anymore
when it comes to interviews or anything
only for him will i look carefully enough
because Jaejoong drops little hints of this and that
of how he's feeling and what not
little hints that you can overlook if your not careful enough to pay close attention
I wonder if he knows what stresses me out about him?
I really like him
Jaejoong
why?
i always always ask myself why?
Why Jaejoong why?
and i never give myself a concrete answer
because i like him for the tiniest things
his small reactions
his little hint comments
that say so much
like the amount of emotion in his voice when he sings
and the small glint in his eyes
the different smiles that grace his lips
the way he stands, leaning this way or that
I don't even know
If someone asked me 'why do you like Jaejoong?'
all i could say would be 'because he is Jaejoong, i like him because he is Jaejoong'
there is something there
more than his amazing voice
and beautiful features
more than his funny comments
more than the characters he acts as
more than that
but DEEPER
there is something DEEPER that draws me to him
i don't even understand this myself

but like at the fan meeting in Indonesia

the way he looked

he was sick and tired and could not speak

but he didn't show it

he was glowing
he smiled, not his normal huge smile, but smiles that seemed private, for each of his fans
he didn't look sad, he kept a very straight face
he didn't want to show everyone that he was hurt
he gave wholeheartedly to the fans at this fan meeting
and smiled small little private smiles to each of them
and that warms my heart even more

because it makes me think

he hasn't changed

the Kim Jaejoong from a long time ago
the one who had a stony face
he made sure to smile for the fans too
they are the same person
even Kim Jaejoong
who used to have a hard time expressing himself to his fans
gave a little smile for his fans
it reminded me of a Jaejoong from a long time ago

Even though it's hard for him to express his feelings for his fans
he gives to them wholeheartedly
even though he can't express it as well as he wishes
he conveys it with the smallest smile
with gestures of kindness and understanding towards the fans who love him

just the smallest things

the smallest things make me love him

there is something about Jaejoong
he always seems alone somehow
when he's not with his members
even if we all flock around him and tell him we are with him
there is that small thing in his eyes that is different
even though his heart is the same
Jaejoong has always given me that feeling of loneliness
that makes me really want to give him my hand and tell him that so many people love him
and i know he knows this but
i still feel like i need to be here for him
and watch over him
and love him

This aura may be just a part of him
but it makes me feel like he needs love
what he needs
more than anything is love
and i want to give it to him wholeheartedly just as he has given it to us
even with small gestures
i want to show him that Cassiopeia is with him
even if he already knows
i want him to feel a little bit less lonely
a little bit more loved

Jaejoong why do i like you?
you make me feel like i'm not the only one who feels alone sometimes

you love us more than we deserve to be loved