how do you feel about the fandom (Cassiopeia/Bigeast general fandom)

We fight a lot sometimes, we cry a lot sometimes but that’s because we care about our boys so much.  Even if in the future we lose our title as the biggest and strongest fandom we are the most passionate fandom out there and our passion will continue forever and be remembered well.  Even if we have some negative points I truly believe we are the best.

how do you feel about the current tvxq/jyj?

I no longer have the feeling of wanting to return to the past.  I want to continue with the boys and find a future where there are the 5 of them together and stronger than ever.
I think its really selfish of me to continuously only think of the past when they were together and not think about how hard they’re working as individuals now.
They don’t regret which means I shouldn’t regret.  They shouldn’t have to constantly apologize to us, we shouldn’t be the ones wallowing and taking comfort in their kind words only, we need to be the ones holding THEM up and helping THEM.  We are Cassiopeia, right?
They are continuing and i’ve reached a point where, instead of wishing to return to the past and pull them back I want to hold hands with them moving towards a future where I believe one day they will reunite again.
So yes we did have everything, and it feels like we lost something when they split, but… it’s not like we really lost any of them, right? We didn’t lose them or their bond with each other or with us.  We still have those 5 amazing guys that I feel so thankful for each and every day.  These 5 guys that acknowledge THEIR Pearl Red and THEIR Cassiopeia and Bigeast.
It’s been years and years for me and i feel very worn.  I’ve gone through all those very intense emotions very intense and as of now I believe they haven’t lost anything. I believe they are growing so much. I believe that the bond they had is still there.  I believe the bond we have with them is still there.  I believe that fate really did bring them together and that fate will bring them together again in the future.
Right now as individuals they are building an even stronger platform for DB5K as a whole.
I really love them and I want them to be happy always and even the smallest things that I can do for them, like buying an album or doing a fan project or writing a little rant, if that can make their lives a little easier and make them smile a little more then it’s all worth it.
DB5K WASn’t the ultimate group
DB5K ARE the ultimate group
and they will continue to be for a very very long time and I intend to stay with them for the rest of my life.
Well I guess I should end with AKTF, Always Keep The Faith

what draws you to them?

They have everything, the good looks, the charm, the strong ethics, the perfect harmony, the amazing talent, the kindness, the humor, and the humbleness.  There is nothing that our DB5K boys lack and if they feel like they are lacking they push and work that much harder and never complain and always thank us and the staff no matter what.  More than 'idols' they are my 'role models'.  They taught me that there really are good people in this world, that maybe fate and destiny are real.  They teach me how to be humble. to work hard, to be a good person.  But also teach me to stand up for myself and not let anything stop me.  They attract the young and the old and keep their fans for a long time because of their amazing qualities.

mostly TVXQ (Homin) ponderings...

I guess this is where i will continue putting my fears about dbsk

maybe there will be a reunion i really hope so

but JJ and Su are going to the army soon so... even if they do... and then Yun will follow very close behind them 

then who knows about Chun and Min

...

anyways what i really want to say is that im scared about Yunho and Changmin

i hate that rumor that 2 people dont get along so there will be a break up and that people think these 2 people are Min and Yun

but then again i think about Beijing and dude Changmin wasnt seen with Yun going back to Korea and i was speculating a lot

why arent you two together? did Changmin stay behind and go to the hospital? if so Yunho should have stayed too. did Min have a different flight? why? that doesnt make much sense. and then if Changmin took a secret route away from fans then why didnt Yun go with him that way instead of with the Suju boys? 

then they arrived back in Korea and Yunho was with Changmin again and i was like oh, see its all good... its all good... hmmm kinda doesnt make much sense. Suju werent there either. did Yun wait for Changmin? idk what is happening here then... they both seemed to be walking fine though. they both didnt seem to be injured so i was completely happy about that.

then we hear that Yun may be cast as a host for a show.

let me tell you. i've always been scared of them just becoming show hosts and then SM just dropping them from the music scene and telling everyone that Homin are focusing on other things.  i mean these 2 are singers.  in their blood they are singers.  but really it is SM that deals with everything they do. i keep thinking about that time there was a hidden camera in the backstage of a show and DB5K were talking and some people just came up to them and were like 'one of you have to become a permanent host on this show' and all of them looked at each other and were like 'not me. no. you do it. not me'. NONE of them wanted to do it but they knew that someone had to. someone had to be forced to do it. that is why i worry. are they doing what they want to do? is this what they want? IDK Homin really... 

I worry less about Changmin because he always goes with the flow. really with the other 4 they all had these more outgoing more specific goals and images of themselves in the future and they worked out of their way to make sure everything happens the way they wanted it to. Changmin though, he always goes with the flow, he have the opportunity to be a singer? then he works hard at that. he has the opportunity to do this or that? he will work hard at whatever is given to him. but its not like one day he wants to reach this or that. he just goes with it.

the other 4 are different. they have these goals of what they want. they will accomplish them no matter what it takes. 

back to Yunho.

IDK how he is now. once he laughed and said he forgot what his personality actually is. that is really something. Jung has always been told ever since he debuted 'you've changed' and that is what sticks to Yunhos mind about his personality the most.  

so his dreams... when he was 17 he had such a list of things... idk if those are what he wants now or what? it seems like all his energy is pooled into being leader of TVXQ and nothing else and he seems so exhausted and his eyes i dont even know how to describe them. its like they've seen so much and been through so much.  sometimes when he smiles i feel like crying because of his eyes.

does Yunho want to be a show host?  maybe the answer is different now. maybe he DOES want to? anyways for one reason or another news comes out Yunho will not be a host.

i wonder. why? did they just decide not to have the show. have another person be host?  did SM want him to be host or not? did he turn down being a host?

recently too its always spotting Yunho at the SM building and hes by himself. these stalkers only ever see Yunho by himself. :/ going around places by himself. we dont really even know what hes doing.  the last few days what the heck was he doing? was he just relaxing? IDK it just feels weird. 

Changmin as Changmin is, seems content to be a host. maybe hes having fun for real.  i think he is. although his original show was a book club and not a sports show i think he likes it quite a bit and thats great.

but i cant help but think that Changmin wanted a book club first so that he wouldnt have to do the silly things sports shows do sometimes.  Changmin is my smart boy, he would love to sit around talking about books. too bad it wasnt a popular thing. again though, even though Changmin seemed a little pushed into doing the sports show instead he seems to really be enjoying it. im glad hes making more friends and smiling so often.

but, and i hate myself for thinking these thoughts, what about Yunho.

I know they've known each other longer than 10 years but what about Yunho?

Changmin wanted to move away from Yunho.  Changmin is doing all these solo activities.  

and Yunho... where are his activities?

then i think again. Yunho has had his own solo activities too while Changmin wasnt doing anything. but this feels different somehow.  IDK but its like Yunho is either refusing to be a host or SM is refusing to let him do some work. either way its not good.

and then there are the rumors that Changmin renewed his contract and Yunho didnt.  

at first i wanted to scream at all of the people saying these things.  'How dare you say that?! Homin would never! Why would they negotiate separately?!  Why would Changmin do that to Yunho?!'

then truthfully i think about it and...

i want to cry because i think Changmin IS capable of doing that.  With DB5K they all have thick skulls.  They all do what they think is RIGHT and they hardly ever back down. i love them for it and wouldnt want them any other way but then again its one of the reasons they had to split. 

If Changmin did do that I would be so ANGRY and SAD and i would still love him because I know he just did what he thought was best.

but...

Yunho.... I hate when I see him alone.  its so scary to see Yunho alone.  without his members.  without Changmin.  Just thinking about it i want to cry.  He's so solitary.  He looks so strong with his stance and yet his eyes and actions are gentle and almost scared but also wise and knowing somehow.  IDK how to describe it.

with Jaejoong his shoulders shrink he looks down and has a certain smile and laugh and poise when hes alone that makes me think that only with his members can he be truly outgoing.

with Jung its the same type of thing just that instead of shrinking in he grows so proper and professional.

they act as if they're scared of other peoples judgments and they cannot act as their normal selves.

When Yunho was the last off stage in Beijing and was bowing.  He looked so alone up there. so sentimental.  his bowing wasnt showing off, it wasnt because he wanted to be seen and talked about, it was sincere and i felt the sadness and fear. i fear he fears that hes disappearing and its scary.  

hes lived for the group for the fans for so long... has he forgotten his selfish ambitions?  what do you want Jung Yunho? what do you want for yourself? i wish that you would do what you want.  

its strange. its strange for any of the DB5K members to be idle. especially Yunho.  When they dont do anything they think too much and depression creeps up on them and thats scary.

I want him to find what he wants and be happy.  Find it Yunho, please.

I dont want to believe the bad rumors, but i cannot say that its not true.  when DB5K had the lawsuit everyone was in denial at first.

it started with the moving out, then the separate at airports then the rumors also. which is why im so scared but all i can do is tell myself no matter what that they all love each other and that all 5 of them will have all of Cassiopeia to help them through whatever happens in the future.

shitshithssdfhakshitshit

I feel like SHIT
oh my god what
what WHAT WHAT WHATWHATHWHATWHAT
I CANT

i dont even know anymore

nothing is going right

but what sucks more is that i know that its partially my fault and that i need to freaking buckle down

i think i want to just run away or sleep forever

:(

gaww

God i feel numb

i dont know if its because today im in too good of a mood that i cant be sad
or that i have successfully disconnected myself from feeling hurt
my mom was yelling at me

of course i know i have a problem
i cant take real life stuff seriously at all
i just can't
cant
cant!!!!

why cant i get my licence
dear god
i know
i KNOW
something is wrong with me
I KNOW

i just wish...
I DONT KNOW

i know im spoiled
i know that im not a kid anymore
i know
i know

i dont know whats wrong with me
i dont know how to fix me

i hate lots of things
im scared of lots of things


you know i always look okay
always
even when im sick
or when im sad
i always look okay
i can smile and laugh and shit like that

but
when i actually say somethings wrong
its bad enough that i need to tell someone
i dont need a freaking answer like

i cant believe you
or
it doesnt look that bad
or anything like that

all i need is some understanding
why cant you understand me?

im scared as hell
im not like THEM
you raised me like this
im dependent on you
you MADE me dependent on you
you just cant expect me to suddenly know what to do

i need help
you know im more naive and lost than most people
cant you understand me?

understand me please

and all the while i run away from my problems

you tell me that i spend too much time on my computer
its my escape
i cant stop biting my nails or shaking my leg
i get too nervous
im so nervous

can't you understand that im scared?
i use the computer as an escape
its my escape

Joongie-oppa, breakdown of radio interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=V8W4Pg7Bcp8

Joongie seems... idk a little little bit down
i dont think hes really down exactly more like the pervading feeling of loneliness...

he morning tweeted for the first time in a long time
i think he must be a bit nervous haha
hes such a little sweetheart to be nervous
i mean korea and japan... there's no need to be nervous but he seemed very nervous for the korean one and now hes nervous for the japanese one

maybe its just the feeling he has showing himself to those most familiar to him
maybe thats a bit scary

how silly
we love you no matter what Jae

silly man

he pointed out in the interview that he has more friends in Japan than in Korea which makes me think that its not that he's alone in Japan maybe its the feeling that hes not alone in Japan and more alone in his own country and the thought of this makes him sad and feel that loneliness

also the rain he mentioned again
it must have its affects on him too
as if hes remembering that hes the rain man
maybe hes remembering a memory of that rain

but the way his voice was
i got the thought that 'ah hes a bit in that mood.  he's not brimming with excitement and joy but he feels... melancholy and a bit self conscious... a little out of it too

what a silly man

i think he wants to make it a point that his tour is very personable and real
its all about him exposing himself and sharing himself with us so yeah...
when he said that he'll say 'i love you' if he felt like it he wanted to emphasize that anything can happen and that he'll just do what he feels is right to do
but he said he'll say it anyways haha

what a sweetheart
i really...
don't feel lonely Jae
don't think about the numbers of people that you lost
 just think about the ones you have okay?
they care about you a lot and so do all of us

no matter what we care about you
i scare myself because i know i like it
i dont like that he loses sleep or eats less

but when he gets on that stage he looks frail as glass
as if hes glass and hes setting himself out there for us and hoping we dont break him
he becomes a little afraid and you can see it in his eyes and his face and his stance
and you just want to reach out and be so gentle with him

i really dont know

the strong Jae sometimes... he makes me proud
the frail Jae sometimes... he makes me hold on to him so tightly
dont make that face, dont show eyes like that
we love you so much baby
dont hurt please
i get that feeling

--
that talk about his love also...
hes like he 'was in love'
love is such a strong word for Jaejoong to use
he always said he went out with a girl or he had a girlfriend but this is different

its like he's admitting 'i was in love', probably with the person he saw and had that big first impression (he stumbled so hard on that, there was, there is, i had one... my heart just broke when he became like that) and then he said his heart was broken before

and i see that he probably really is talking about just one person

and then i think the rain must remind him of his loneliness and his loss and his friends in Japan remind him of his loneliness also and his nerves about the concert must have him... and practicing those beautiful and sad songs...

it feels like he's trying to convince himself that hes moved on from the person he fell in love with but... i dont think he has

he seems kind of sad and... so lonely...

i don't want to think these things but Jae... do your best... get some sleep baby... we love you so much

(since im a yunjae fan i think its yunho but there is definitely a person in jaes heart already and i feel like its so hard for him to let go of that person even though that person he loves... it seems to be that in his perspective that person doesnt love him back so he has to move on... if its yunho i feel so sad that its like this... if its not yunho i still feel sad and that i hope and pray jae can find another person to fill his heart because he has so much love to give but he needs that one person, a special person, to give love to him.  I hope he'll have a happy ending, and i know there are no endings really in real life, its just... i dont want him to suffer, i want him to find happiness)