shitshithssdfhakshitshit

I feel like SHIT
oh my god what
what WHAT WHAT WHATWHATHWHATWHAT
I CANT

i dont even know anymore

nothing is going right

but what sucks more is that i know that its partially my fault and that i need to freaking buckle down

i think i want to just run away or sleep forever

:(

gaww

God i feel numb

i dont know if its because today im in too good of a mood that i cant be sad
or that i have successfully disconnected myself from feeling hurt
my mom was yelling at me

of course i know i have a problem
i cant take real life stuff seriously at all
i just can't
cant
cant!!!!

why cant i get my licence
dear god
i know
i KNOW
something is wrong with me
I KNOW

i just wish...
I DONT KNOW

i know im spoiled
i know that im not a kid anymore
i know
i know

i dont know whats wrong with me
i dont know how to fix me

i hate lots of things
im scared of lots of things


you know i always look okay
always
even when im sick
or when im sad
i always look okay
i can smile and laugh and shit like that

but
when i actually say somethings wrong
its bad enough that i need to tell someone
i dont need a freaking answer like

i cant believe you
or
it doesnt look that bad
or anything like that

all i need is some understanding
why cant you understand me?

im scared as hell
im not like THEM
you raised me like this
im dependent on you
you MADE me dependent on you
you just cant expect me to suddenly know what to do

i need help
you know im more naive and lost than most people
cant you understand me?

understand me please

and all the while i run away from my problems

you tell me that i spend too much time on my computer
its my escape
i cant stop biting my nails or shaking my leg
i get too nervous
im so nervous

can't you understand that im scared?
i use the computer as an escape
its my escape

Joongie-oppa, breakdown of radio interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=V8W4Pg7Bcp8

Joongie seems... idk a little little bit down
i dont think hes really down exactly more like the pervading feeling of loneliness...

he morning tweeted for the first time in a long time
i think he must be a bit nervous haha
hes such a little sweetheart to be nervous
i mean korea and japan... there's no need to be nervous but he seemed very nervous for the korean one and now hes nervous for the japanese one

maybe its just the feeling he has showing himself to those most familiar to him
maybe thats a bit scary

how silly
we love you no matter what Jae

silly man

he pointed out in the interview that he has more friends in Japan than in Korea which makes me think that its not that he's alone in Japan maybe its the feeling that hes not alone in Japan and more alone in his own country and the thought of this makes him sad and feel that loneliness

also the rain he mentioned again
it must have its affects on him too
as if hes remembering that hes the rain man
maybe hes remembering a memory of that rain

but the way his voice was
i got the thought that 'ah hes a bit in that mood.  he's not brimming with excitement and joy but he feels... melancholy and a bit self conscious... a little out of it too

what a silly man

i think he wants to make it a point that his tour is very personable and real
its all about him exposing himself and sharing himself with us so yeah...
when he said that he'll say 'i love you' if he felt like it he wanted to emphasize that anything can happen and that he'll just do what he feels is right to do
but he said he'll say it anyways haha

what a sweetheart
i really...
don't feel lonely Jae
don't think about the numbers of people that you lost
 just think about the ones you have okay?
they care about you a lot and so do all of us

no matter what we care about you
i scare myself because i know i like it
i dont like that he loses sleep or eats less

but when he gets on that stage he looks frail as glass
as if hes glass and hes setting himself out there for us and hoping we dont break him
he becomes a little afraid and you can see it in his eyes and his face and his stance
and you just want to reach out and be so gentle with him

i really dont know

the strong Jae sometimes... he makes me proud
the frail Jae sometimes... he makes me hold on to him so tightly
dont make that face, dont show eyes like that
we love you so much baby
dont hurt please
i get that feeling

--
that talk about his love also...
hes like he 'was in love'
love is such a strong word for Jaejoong to use
he always said he went out with a girl or he had a girlfriend but this is different

its like he's admitting 'i was in love', probably with the person he saw and had that big first impression (he stumbled so hard on that, there was, there is, i had one... my heart just broke when he became like that) and then he said his heart was broken before

and i see that he probably really is talking about just one person

and then i think the rain must remind him of his loneliness and his loss and his friends in Japan remind him of his loneliness also and his nerves about the concert must have him... and practicing those beautiful and sad songs...

it feels like he's trying to convince himself that hes moved on from the person he fell in love with but... i dont think he has

he seems kind of sad and... so lonely...

i don't want to think these things but Jae... do your best... get some sleep baby... we love you so much

(since im a yunjae fan i think its yunho but there is definitely a person in jaes heart already and i feel like its so hard for him to let go of that person even though that person he loves... it seems to be that in his perspective that person doesnt love him back so he has to move on... if its yunho i feel so sad that its like this... if its not yunho i still feel sad and that i hope and pray jae can find another person to fill his heart because he has so much love to give but he needs that one person, a special person, to give love to him.  I hope he'll have a happy ending, and i know there are no endings really in real life, its just... i dont want him to suffer, i want him to find happiness)

encouragement

http://yaoijaesuschrist.tumblr.com/post/52922104344/when-i-say-i-get-encouragement-from-them-its-the

When I say i get encouragement from them it’s the truth

They make Jaejoong being adopted sound so bad but really he was adopted into a nice family and was happy there

the real hardships started when he started going to school and being the youngest child with 8 older sisters wore his sister hand-me-downs until he was in middle school.  He was teased a lot during that time, his sister around his age used to beat people up for messing with Jaejoong.  He was told he couldn’t sing well, his family didn’t approve so he only practiced at the computer lab in a room.  He ran away from home and biked all the way to Seoul.  Worked endlessly, trained and trained until he finally became who he is today :)

but it’s not only Jaejoong (although his sad past is mentioned more than others)

Yunho ran away from home too! But Jaejoong never had to sleep under a bridge like Yunho did and Jaejoong never had to pick up coins on the floor or under couches like Yunho did (although Jae did give blood to pay for a piece of food for himself once)

Yunho and Jae make me feel like I can go against the grain, work hard, and just keep at it no matter what

Yoochun flew all the way from America, left his family… most precious was his younger brother. Yoochun was only 16 or 17, he knew no one and he missed his brother terribly

Yoochun makes me feel like I can keep going on while loving and missing people who are not with me now, having the courage to go on without people you feel you need is really hard

Junsu was trained for a very very long time and was told by doctors not to pursue singing yet he sang everyday and practiced every day without fail

Junsu makes me feel as if positive thinking actually does work and that I can get through life without having to become someone too down to earth but still be myself and act a little childish and innocent

Changmin is the only one who doesn’t really have a sad past haha

Changmin though, he has to grow up so fast.  His personality keeps changing as if when he debuted he was like an old man and now he actually is having fun and not being so serious

Changmin makes me think maybe it’s okay to reevaluate what i think is important and try to change myself so I can live a better and happier life

I haven’t even talked about how they encourage me as a group! Let me just shorten that part to ‘they make me a better person’

DBSK is a healer for me

When i’m having a hard time it’s DBSK that come into my mind and make me think everything will be okay as long as I work hard like them and never let obstacles get in my way

Our Fire

ah...
i'm so proud of all of them
i think i want to cry
it's just that all 5 of them have grown up so much
have become their own person
i mean

i used to cry because they were a unit and afterwards they seemed so broken
and i wished and wished and wished
that they could be together to help each other and complete each other
but

they've grown so so so much...
i know its been YEARS but really...
up until now it's been so hard for them

the tears they shed separately
the pains they felt separately
at those times i prayed for them to be together so they could help each other get through it all

but i'm so stupid
no actually it wasn't stupid but really
i didn't understand
or i didnt WANT to understand
that through going through these pains as individuals instead of a unit
they weren't just hurting
they were growing as people

growing and strengthening themselves
they had depended so much on each other that i feared they would break if they had to deal with everything separately
i feared and feared

i thought things
i still think these things occasionally
the only one able to tell Jaejoong to go to sleep when he is having insomnia is Yunho
the only one able to make Changmin laugh when crap gets hard is Junsu
the one who fixes Yunho's outfits, gets Yunho water, covers his face on a plane, is Jaejoong
those types of thoughts

and they were true for a while
Jaejoong stayed up late into the night fostering some bad habits
Changmin was so angry and depressed
Yunho sometimes seemed so... alone
but slowly

Jaejoong learned to deal with a balance himself without other people having to tell him
Changmin went to therapy and made friends with Suju and SHINee and became brighter
Yunho too has become better
and these are just some examples i mean
i worried about all of them

Yoochun and Junsu too...

i was so worried they would break without the others support

because as young men they had each other to lean on
and now they were standing by themselves and i was scared they would get hurt
and i cried and wanted to protect them

i constantly watched their pains and suffering
those tears and those words written in their eyes

but i also watched as they grew and changed
and at first i didn't like it
don't change
don't change
don't change

selfish
i'm so selfish
i wanted them to remain as they were
i wanted them to be dependent on each other always
i wanted them to need each other
i wanted them to be together
selfish feelings

and i knew they were selfish but i wanted and wanted

they always give their all to us, their fans
they always give to us
we are so spoiled
i think
because we want it they will surely do it just for us
because we are their fans
because it shows that they love us and love each other

selfish

they always sacrifice for us
and we can't understand when they do something selfish for themselves?
what kind of fan am i?
to be sad
to be angry
because they wouldn't give in and be together...
because they were for once being a little selfish....
and the whole while of being selfish
being apart
it was like they were constantly saying

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
that i did something selfish

constantly apologizing
pain in their eyes as they tried to show us how much they love us
pain in their hearts because we were/are so upset with them

i as a fan was/am so selfish
because the feelings of
'i want you together'
remains branded on my heart
but it's also a strange feeling
now this feeling doesn't include
'i want to return to the past'
because that thought
that thought
would mean i don't appreciate how hard they've worked separately

how they constantly showed their love for us
how they constantly battled everything

EVERYTHING
for us
for us
for us
for us
for us
EVERYTHING

i loved the them of the past
i love the them of now equally if not more

they've grown
and i'll be damned if i don't open my eyes and see that and appreciate that

i see now
as a unit they were a strong relentless fire

and the feared separation...

i knew in my heart the 5 fires could sustain separately but i wanted the warmth of the 1 large fire that kept me safe and warm

but by separation the fires were able to be fostered and grown individually
and the warmth i feel from all of them separately
has grown so tremendously

at first there could only be a large fire in the living room
and now the whole house can be warm

and i feel a bit stupid for not understanding how we needed 5 separate fires

and although i remember standing in the living room near the fire
eyes dancing with the light
the feeling of comfort
warmth enveloping me

i cannot deny that we needed a warm house

that this fire obviously should and could not be contained but needed to expand

and it's not even like they're really separated
because they warm the same people in the same house they always have
and now can warm even more people

anyways

the 5 of them
seem so happy
so happy
free
free
free
free
free
boundless

i want to repeat again
the feeling of
'i want to see them together'
remains
but
'i want to return to the past'
does not

it's more like

the large warm fire that warmed the fireplace everyone knew was the biggest warmest fire ever
then separately the warmth spread and it was not as warm at first
the people in the house (Cassiopeia btw) were scared of that
but it kindled well separately
and everyone (even those not within the house) knew that the house was the warmest even though there were separate fires

but the people in the house
although warmer than all the other houses
longed for the burn of their first fire

they know it's selfish
they revel in the warmth they have now and understand it
but the scorch is like an addiction and they wish they could have a taste of it again

i believe one day...
this may sound a bit stupid
but
i want the fire to one day collect
and it will burn again as one fire
so strong this time that it burns down the whole house
and as the residence of the house stare at the fire
not with horror but amazement and pride
because this fire is so large that it just can't be contained
and so many more can gather around this giant flame
and feel the scorching addiction of this burn
and the unimaginable warmth it brings

one day it will happen

but the point is

no longer will i say
'i want to go to the past'

i want to say that i treasure the present
and that i look forward to the future

we have the warmest house
but the scorching burn...
the aching addiction
when we feel it again
it will be bigger than ever

we must treasure this warm house though and not think about going to the past
because we need to warm the whole house
before we can have that gigantic legendary fire that will burn so bright not even the farthest coldest edges of the earth would deny the warmth they feel from our fire

i guess i'll end this rant with
AKTF

always cherish the past
always appreciate the present
always look towards the future
never give up Cassiopeia
i know i won't

Changmin does take care of Yunho (even though i dont ship obviously they are closer than blood)

homin’s moments and relationship from a japanese staff’s point of view

this is from a Japanese fan’s Twitter text-photo-post that a Chinese fan has translated; in to English by me.  Not exactly unusual account from a staff to a friend, take with a grain of salt, but most things seems reasonably believable /and oh so very precious;;/   

“K-kun also said, when Changmin looks at Yunho, it’s such a gentle gaze.”

The fan’s words:

“Even though I have some worries, but I still want to write about some moments that made me truly believe in their bond.

Because this is told from a friend, this could be said to be written from my own feelings, I don’t know if this will bring trouble to my friends, I’m a bit cowardly and a little afraid.

(I obtained permission from my friend to write this. If this ever make any problems, I will make this a private note) *t/n this post was made on her blog and then spread through twitter via long text post picture

Anyways, I will try my best to write in a way that won’t trouble my friend.

My friend, K-kun, from sometime ago, has had chance of numerous encounters with Yunho and Changmin.

But K-kun’s knowledge of Tohoshinki is only limited to knowing who is who. He doesn’t know that the two are very close. And he doesn’t know I have a fujoshi side www

K-kun said, I wonder what kind of relationship those two have.

After hearing this I was a bit confused, I thought, “Eh? Is their relationship exposed.”

But then after talking to K-kun about this for some time, I understood that he did not mean it in any shipping ways at all.

K-kun told me these moments between the two.

They don’t talk very often, but they always sit together. When someone they don’t know very well, like K-kun, give a drink to Yunho, Yunho wouldn’t drink it just then. And then at this time, Changmin would very naturally out of instinct take the drink, pour it in a cup, or open the cap and give it to Yunho, and then Yunho drinks it.

Sometimes water drips from the cup; Changmin would clean it immediately.

Sometimes Yunho would be coughing; Changmin would pat his back and give him some water.

Sometimes after sitting so long and suddenly getting up Yunho would feel a bit dizzy; Changmin would hold out his hand and help Yunho immediately.

Even as they leave the room, Changmin’s hand was still holding Yunho’s back.

And in contrast, when Changmin doesn’t feel well, Yunho would concernedly ask about him.

Because it was in Korean, K-kun doesn’t understand, but he can feel the caring in Yunho’s voice.

Sometimes Yunho would shut his eyes and rest, and Changmin gets out of the room for something. Yunho open his eyes and sees that Changmin is not there, and seems a little lost and uneasy, looking around to find him. When Changmin comes back, he would relax and have a relieved expression.

Like when a lost child has found his mother, that kind of expression. *t/n: i laughed yunho you’re two years older???????

And Changmin after coming back would give him a gentle smile as while.

Sometimes Changmin would rest with his eyes closed, or sit around doing other things, for example playing games, and if Yunho by his side needed anything, Changmin would immediately respond.

At the beginning when K-kun saw Changmin like this, he found it quite strange, he thought, why didn’t the staff do these things. Doesn’t Changmin get tired. Why doesn’t Changmin ever complain. But as he saw them more often, K-kun gradually thought, if that was the way they always get along, and then suddenly the staff do these things, they would probably feel more uneasy.

K-kun also said, the two, even towards someone new like K-kun, always treated him seriously. Even though they are such popular celebrities, they are always very polite, and humble as well. WHen leaving, Yunho even shook his hand and said thank you to K-kun.

K-kun also said, when Changmin looks at Yunho, it’s such a gentle gaze, like the Virgin Mary (t/n: i laughed translating this but this is a pretty common expression in Asia as to express kindness and all accepting and fondness kind of thing; it sounds weird in translation but it’s a common phrase js) He thinks that the relationship they have is very special. No matter how many people are in the room, they will have space for the two of them alone. A combination like this, he has never seen before.

And K-kn said he could feel it, for Yunho who feels uneasy when Changmin is not here, his trust for Changmin is absolute.

As I heard these words from K-kun, I thought, the two of them has supported each other and worked through those painful times, and now the bond between the two them, must be something more firm and deep than language can describe.

Maybe lots of things happened, and they will have their own love life, this I won’t refute.

But those people not trusting their bond, I cannot approve of.

Their relationship, what holds them together, must be something even more than bond, than trust, or even love.

And so I like them like so. And I think they will never betray their fans.

I think we should just throw away those unpleasant thoughts, and simply protect the two of them happily smiling, and do the best we can to support them. Such is enough. “

－－－and those were her words :> and I crawl away again I found this today after a day of chemistry and it was heavenly bless/// translating this was bubbly and lovely hope you enjoyed~

______

 #literally cried after reading this #beause for a while ive seriously thought about how changmin isnt taking care of yunho and i was all worried ven though i knew i shouldnt be #i would get mad at changmin because blond coordi would be around yunho helping him instead of changmin helping hm #when really it shoul be the staffs job #but still for my boys #they need each other #the youngest need the oldest #but i feel like yunho needs changmin so much #so much more #just like jae needs yoosu so so much sometimes... #im so glad i read this #my worries are relieved #but it somehow hurts more knowing they are like this... ;_;

literally cried after reading thisbeause for a while ive seriously thought about how changmin isnt taking care of yunho and i was all worried ven though i knew i shouldnt bei would get mad at changmin because blond coordi would be around yunho helping him instead of changmin helping hmwhen really it shoul be the staffs jobbut still for my boysthey need each otherthe youngest need the oldestbut i feel like yunho needs changmin so muchso much morejust like jae needs yoosu so so much sometimes...im so glad i read thismy worries are relievedbut it somehow hurts more knowing they are like this... ;_;

JYJ's Tokyo Dome was just brilliant

do you know how brilliant JYJ are?

they were/are always the very emotional ones but they are brilliant.

having Tokyo Dome Live 1st before starting their tour was brilliant.

1- they got to quickly meet all their fans like they promised as they wanted
2- they got to show all those big-shot companies that tried to bribe them with contracts and millions of yen that they can make billions within 3 days
3- they got to show the company that they signed with that they are the real deal
4- they did Tokyo Dome before they started with the new company so people know that this is JYJ's power alone harboring all of this attention
5- they were able to have one last big blow out with their Japanese staff that helped them and stuck by them through and through

they are just so brilliant

its like when you say you hit 2 birds with one stone
they got all 5 of these things accomplished within just 3 days

just such an amazingly smart move

its so funny because SM always acted like the boys don't know what they're doing when they are so god damn smart

SM is always copying JYJ now-a-days too such losers